why me

tw ; vent, nothing triggering but some people don't wanna read that shit ;p

i hate everything, i hate myself, i hate guys and i hate being in love. if this is what love feels like i will simply avoid everyone i don't already know so i never fall in love again. 

though i think it's an achievement that i'm not crying right now, since i have been either crying, trying not to cry, zoning out, and complaining. but as always i am about to complain. 

so let me explain. fish is the nickname for the guy i'm into, we're both guys if that helps idk. he's bi not gay. i met him in 2022, i don't even know why, but i was super drawn to him and into him. i think about him everyday, since the day i met him. we went 6 months without talking and in that time i started to get over him. 

then BAM march 2023 happened and he texted me for the first time in ages and we started talking again and all the effort i had put into getting over him was undone in a few days and then i actually fell in love with him and it was so so so much worse this time because he liked me back i guess, he told me he liked me but i panicked and said i didn't know. 

but it's okay we moved on from that awkwardness. we have argued a lot but i still love him the same way i always have. he does not love me back. he says he does. he is a liar. we don't talk everday like we used to, he doesn't treat me the way he used to. he doesn't wake me up by spamming me. he doesn't tell his friends about me. 

this is what i get for saying "my man my man my man" too FUCKING loud. he is not my man. he's for the streets. 

i am trying to sound lighthearted while my heart is literally breaking. i can't do this anymore. it sounds like an overreaction but i haven't felt this low in a long, long fucking time. 

it had been five days since we last talked and then he tried to break the silence but i was dry too him out of anger and then mid convo he stopped replying. he was active but didn't reply for three days. then he went offline. it's been 6 days, 7 tomorrow. and normally i'd be a little worried but figure he's busy, but this time i have this weird feeling that he's ghosting me or he's lost his phone again and won't talk to me for months or something and i am not fucking ok. 

i dont wanna lose him but it feels like god has taken him out of my life. but he is a good person and i wanna feel like waiting for him was worth it like. damn jus give me a second chance. 

never gonna b okay again! 👍