Maybe a lobotomy would make me feel better

10:38 pm on January 18, 2024

I woke up even later than usual (at 5 in the afternoon lol), and since I opened my eyes, I've felt horrible, as if the negative feelings from two days ago were stored to be released now.

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with this sadness; I've known it for years, but it always ends up being equally horrible. It's like an immense boredom; no matter what happens or what I do, everything feels so meh. It doesn't bring me happiness, nor does it evoke an emotion significant enough to change my mood.

I haven't even read today because I don't feel up to it. I just stare at the book and then go back to ignoring it, even though in my mind, I'm thinking about my reading goal and the chapter I left off on, where I'm close to achieving a goal to get another piece of the puzzle and hopefully find more answers (or maybe it leaves me with more questions, which would be bad).

I just want a serotonin boost!!! But my brain finds it so difficult to make me happy and be the same idiot as always. Now I just seem like an emo version of SpongeBob, which is kind of funny considering my hair is so long it could cover one eye.

Today, I responded rudely to my mom. It was the first interaction we had all day, and I raised my voice because I felt frustrated, even though I don't know why. I'd like to apologize to her, but at home, it was never normal to ask for forgiveness, and it feels weird to do so, at least with my family. It's easier to go back to talking as if nothing happened than to say, "Hey, I'm sorry for treating you like that; it wasn't right." Is it normal for you too?

At first, my ideas were organized, but now everything is a mess. It sounds like a "Blah, blah, blah, blah." So, it's best to stop writing because I'm also preparing my dinner, and I can't write and cook at the same time, although I wish I could be that practical, actually.

Chau, I don't know how to say goodbye.