The Hills Watch The Cable In The Classroom Commercial

[The scene is the Hill residence. Hank is sitting on the couch, watching TV. He is holding a can of Alamo beer. Peggy, Bobby, and Luanne are also in the living room, doing their own things.]

TV announcer: And now, a word from our sponsor.

[The TV screen shows the commercial for Cable In The Classroom, as described by the user. The commercial is loud, flashy, and absurd. The Hill family watches in disbelief and horror.]

Hank: What in the hell is this?

Peggy: Oh my god, is that Sky Sands and Norma Holland?

Bobby: Wow, they’re dancing like Michael Jackson!

Luanne: Look, they’re spraying Faygo Moon Mist everywhere!

Hank: This is supposed to be a commercial for Cable In The Classroom? What does this have to do with education?

Peggy: I don’t know, Hank. Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the kids.

Bobby: Yeah, dad. This is cool. I wish we had Cable In The Classroom at school.

Luanne: Me too. I love Nickelodeon GAS. They have the best shows.

Hank: Nickelodeon GAS? That’s a channel? What kind of shows do they have?

Luanne: Well, they have Double Dare, where they slime people and pie them in the face.

Hank: That’s not a show, that’s a waste of food.

Luanne: And they have Legends of the Hidden Temple, where they have to go through a maze and avoid the temple guards.

Hank: That’s not a show, that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Luanne: And they have Figure It Out, where they have to guess what the kids’ secret talents are.

Hank: That’s not a show, that’s a violation of privacy.

[The TV screen shows Nick Francesco entering the classroom, holding a tray of food from Bill Gray’s.]

Hank: Who’s that guy?

Peggy: That’s Nick Francesco, the host of Computer FAQs. He’s a local celebrity.

Bobby: Yeah, he knows everything about computers and technology.

Hank: Well, he doesn’t know anything about nutrition. Look at what he’s eating. Burgers, fries, hot dogs, onion rings. And what’s that he’s drinking? Genesse Beer? That’s the worst beer in the world.

Peggy: And what’s that he’s smoking? Lucky Strike Full Flavor Cigarettes? Those are the most addictive cigarettes in the world.

Bobby: And what’s that he’s holding? Jolt Cola? That’s the most caffeinated soda in the world.

Hank: This guy is a walking heart attack. He’s gonna kill himself and those kids.

[The TV screen shows Nick Francesco doing the Security Tango dance, singing along to the tune of “Mambo No. 5”.]

Hank: What is he doing now?

Peggy: He’s doing the Security Tango, the dance that keeps your computer safe from viruses and malware.

Bobby: Yeah, dad. It’s a catchy song. A little bit of antivirus in my life, a little bit of firewall by my side…

Hank: That’s not a song, that’s a bunch of nonsense. And that’s not a dance, that’s a seizure.

[The TV screen freezes and a voice-over says:]

Voice-over: Cable In The Classroom. The ultimate learning experience. Brought to you by Heinz, the makers of Ore Ida Funky Fries, the wildest, wackiest, most fun frozen food on the market today. Try them in five funky varieties: Cinna-Sticks, Cocoa Crispers, Sour Cream & Jive, Kool Blue, and Thicker and Richer. Ore Ida Funky Fries. They’re funkylicious!

[The screen fades to black and the logo of Cable In The Classroom appears, along with the slogan: “Cable In The Classroom. It’s Toasted.”]

Hank: Ore Ida Funky Fries? What kind of fries are those?

Peggy: They’re frozen fries that come in different colors and flavors.

Bobby: Yeah, dad. They’re funkylicious. I want to try them.

Luanne: Me too. They sound yummy.

Hank: No, they don’t. They sound disgusting. And they’re probably full of chemicals and artificial ingredients.

Peggy: Oh, come on, Hank. Don’t be such a stick in the mud. Live a little.

Hank: Live a little? Peggy, this is not living. This is madness. This is the worst commercial I’ve ever seen. It’s an insult to education, to cable, and to propane. It’s a disgrace to America, to Texas, and to Arlen. It’s a threat to our health, our morals, and our sanity. It’s a travesty, a mockery, and a sham. It’s a…

[He is interrupted by a loud noise from the TV. He looks at the screen and sees that it has exploded, sending sparks and smoke everywhere.]

Hank: …a fire hazard.

[He drops his beer can and runs to the TV, trying to put out the fire. Peggy, Bobby, and Luanne scream and panic.]

Hank: Damn it, Bobby! I told you not to watch that crap! You’ve ruined the TV!

Bobby: I’m sorry, dad. I didn’t know it would explode.

Hank: Well, it did. And now we have to buy a new one. And you know what that means?

Bobby: What?

Hank: No more Cable In The Classroom for you, mister. You’re grounded.

Bobby: Aw, man.

[The scene ends with Hank trying to extinguish the fire, Peggy calling 911, Bobby sulking, and Luanne crying.]