Cable In The Classroom Commercial

[In a typical classroom, a teacher is giving a boring lecture on history. The students look bored and sleepy. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Sky Sands and Norma Holland enter, wearing flashy outfits and sunglasses. They are holding a boombox and a 2 liter bottle of Faygo Moon Mist.]

Sky Sands: Hey kids, are you ready to have some fun?

Norma Holland: Forget about this snooze-fest, we’re here to show you the power of Cable In The Classroom!

[They turn on the boombox and start playing Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”. They dance around the classroom, spraying Faygo Moon Mist on themselves and the students. The teacher tries to stop them, but they push him aside.]

Sky Sands: Cable In The Classroom is the coolest thing ever! You can watch awesome shows like Nickelodeon GAS, the channel that’s all about games and sports!

Norma Holland: That’s right! With Cable In The Classroom, you can learn while having fun! Check this out!

[They grab the remote control and turn on the TV, which is tuned to Nickelodeon GAS. The screen shows a clip of Double Dare, where contestants are getting slimed and pied in the face.]

Sky Sands: Wow, look at that! Isn’t that hilarious?

Norma Holland: And educational too! You can learn about science, math, geography, and more!

[The students are now interested and excited. They cheer and clap.]

Sky Sands: But wait, there’s more! Look who’s here!

[Nick Francesco enters the classroom, wearing a suit and a hat. He is holding a tray of food from Bill Gray’s, including burgers, fries, hot dogs, and onion rings. He also has a pitcher of Genesse Beer, a pack of Lucky Strike Full Flavor Cigarettes, and a bottle of Jolt Cola.]

Nick Francesco: Hello, kids! I’m Nick Francesco, the host of Computer FAQs, the show that answers all your questions about computers and technology!

Norma Holland: And he’s also a master of the Security Tango, the dance that keeps your computer safe from viruses and malware!

Nick Francesco: That’s right, Norma! And I’m here to share some of my delicious food with you, courtesy of Bill Gray’s, the home of the world’s greatest cheeseburger!

[He starts handing out food to the students, who eagerly grab it. He also pours beer into plastic cups and gives them to the students. He lights up a cigarette and offers it to a student, who takes it.]

Nick Francesco: And don’t forget to try some of these Lucky Strike Full Flavor Cigarettes, the smoothest and most satisfying smoke you’ll ever have!

Sky Sands: And wash it all down with some Jolt Cola, the drink that gives you twice the caffeine and twice the sugar!

[The students are now eating, drinking, and smoking. They look happy and hyperactive.]

Nick Francesco: And now, let’s do the Security Tango!

[He puts down the tray and starts dancing. He does a series of moves that mimic computer actions, such as clicking, typing, scanning, and deleting. He sings along to the tune of “Mambo No. 5”.]

Nick Francesco: A little bit of antivirus in my life

A little bit of firewall by my side

A little bit of malware removal is all I need

A little bit of rootkit detection is what I see

A little bit of backup software in the sun

A little bit of encryption all night long

A little bit of security here I am

A little bit of you makes me your fan

[The students join him in the dance, following his moves and singing along. The teacher is shocked and appalled. He tries to intervene, but he slips on a puddle of Faygo Moon Mist and falls to the floor.]

Sky Sands: And that’s how you do the Security Tango!

Norma Holland: And that’s how you enjoy Cable In The Classroom!

Nick Francesco: So what are you waiting for? Call your cable provider today and ask for Cable In The Classroom!

[The screen freezes and a voice-over says:]

Voice-over: Cable In The Classroom. The ultimate learning experience. Brought to you by Heinz, the makers of Ore Ida Funky Fries, the wildest, wackiest, most fun frozen food on the market today. Try them in five funky varieties: Cinna-Sticks, Cocoa Crispers, Sour Cream & Jive, Kool Blue, and Thicker and Richer. Ore Ida Funky Fries. They’re funkylicious!

[The screen fades to black and the logo of Cable In The Classroom appears, along with the slogan: “Cable In The Classroom. It’s Toasted.”]