HOW I WOULD BEAT A BEAR IN A FIGHT

I know I sound crazy, just hear me out. It's late November. It is under 20 degrees out. You and I are on a camping trip. We have spent most of the day hiking to a nice lake. You recommend we go fishing, I agree with you. We go fishing. I catch more fish than you. You become jealous of my fish. I have bigger fish. My fish look cool. You want my fish. I say no. You, being the no-good, evil-doer you are, steal my fish. I go to cook my fish. My fish are gone. I ask you about my fish. You, being a liar, say that a bear came and stole my fish. I, having common sense, call you out for being dishonest. Citing that a bear would never steal from a sigma like myself in a million years. You swear it was a bear. 

We hear a rustle by my tent. We both look over and see a big brown bear looking in my tent. You yell. The bear looks at us, sees dinner, and runs over to us. I, like every man to have lived, had prepared for this situation. I was a wrestler in high school, of course I could take on a 900 pound bear. I get into my wrestling stance and get ready to take a shot at the bear running toward me. Before I can shoot, the bear runs past me, going for the fish in your tent. The bear gets into the tent, scrambles around and finds my fish with yours. The bear can talk. THE BEAR CAN TALK?! The bear looks over at me. The bear says " I overheard you and your friend talking. Having found your fish in this mans tent, I feel I must say that the Lord does not want you hanging out with dishonest people, friend". The bear walks over and pulls out a Bible. The bear reads a verse out of Psalms.

  "I have not sat with vain persons, Neither will I go in with dissemblers. I have hated the congregation of evil doers ; and will not sit with the wicked". 

The bear looks at me and pats my shoulder. The bear walks over and grabs you. The bear throws you in the river. You float away. The bear takes two of the many fish. I thank the bear. The bear smiles. The bear walks away. I miss the bear. Plot twist, I brought you for protection. I knew you were a dishonest person the whole time. I suspected you would steal from me. I knew bears would be in the area. I also knew of the Baptist Bear Church. I mean, it has BEAR in the name, of course bears go to church.

So, I suspected the bears would deliver justice. But I also know bears get hungry. The fish satisfy the bear, and the bears like me. The bears protect me. I have not only beat the bears, I have befriended them. End.