Talking abt my bf bc i have no friends

im sorry for possible typos ! (english clearly isnt my first language)

haha me and my boyfriend are an interesting couple id say. we used to date like year and a half ago for like half a year and he cheated on me multiple times, which was absolutely destroying me but i just loved him too much to leave. i begged him to stop cheating on me but he just wouldnt stop. then we finally broke up at the end of summer 2022, and i had a really hard time getting over it because he immediatelly got together with the girl he cheated on me the most with (who also used to be my best friend btw), so that was pretty rough. they broke up like not even a month after, and me and the girl cut all contact with him (me and the girl got close again bc he hurt us both and blah blah, we dont talk anymore bc shes a bitch but wtv). we didnt rlly talk for a whole year, even tho there were some interactions between us (like me spitting on him when i met him in town), but that was pretty much all. he also got a whole new girlfriend when he broke up with the girl he cheated on me with, and they stayed together for the whole year we didnt talk. i actually didnt intend to start talking to him again, because i met lots of new people and he was completely out of my life,but then things unexpectedly changed. one night, i had a strange dream abt him where he begged me to get back together and promised to never cheat on me again (he was like crying and shit), and we somehow got together at the end idk. the dream by itself was weird, bc i never dreamt about him since he was never on my mind anymore and i completely moved on (plus i already had a few crushes while we didnt talk, and i also had a really intense crush on my boy bestfriend who i really really liked but he turned out to be gay, but thats whatever, the point is, he wasnt on my mind at all, so its weird that im having dreams abt him). when i woke up the next morning after the dream i was like super weirded out right, bc the dream was like weirdly specific and unusual, and it kinda threw me off for the whole day. but what made it worse, was that when i checked my phone, i had a MISSED CALL from him from the night before, like 45 mins after i went to sleep. and then BAM i had the weird, specific dream abt us getting back together???? WEIRD RIGHT. yea so then i decided to call him back but he wasnt picking up so i gave up. but for some reason i js coldnt seem to let it go, so i decided to text him on insta. he answered almost immediatelly, and i asked him about the call, and he said it was an accident and he didnt mean to call me (he later admitted that it was not in fact a mistake, and he called me bc he had an episode or something and called me out of despair or smth, i honestly dont rlly remember). but then we started chatting abt all kinds of stuff and it was actually fun. we texted for like 3hrs if not more. from that point on, we kinda became friends and texted everyday for like 3days, until he asked me to hang out (just a casual hangout ofc, since he still had a gf at the time), and then we became closer and closer. haha we had to be super carefull when hanging out back then bc we couldnt afford anyone seeing us together since ALL of my friends absolutelly despised him and the ppl from his side didnt like me either. i was pretty upset abt this bc i had no idea how to tell my friends that we are talking again. i knew for sure they wouldnt take it well (which they really didnt bc i told them like a week later). well after it broke and everyone found out we hang out and talk again, it got FUCKED UP. i was prepared for it to be bad but nothing could have prepared me for what happend. ALL of my closest friends (5 really close friends plus some other people) LEFT me. like, we had a huge argument about it and they absolutely destroyed me with all their words (it was like and extreme bullying where they all started cussing me out and it even got to the point they insulted my parents and told me i was the worst thing that has ever happend to them, and my family almost went to the police) so yea it was absolutely horrible. shortly after that, he broke up with his girlfirend (because she wasnt a good partner at all, and the relationship overall was horrible. she was also 18 while he was 16, which i personally think is weird but okay, thats not the point). well after they broke up, we both started kinda talking abt the idea of us two getting back together, and then after a while we js kinda knew where its going. okay it sounds really weird that i would go back to my ex who was a horrible partner and cheated on me multiple times, but please let me explain. if i told myself from 3 months ago that i would be in contact with him OR dating him, i would fucking explode LMAO. like i wouldnt believe it, it would be absolutelly horrible and unimaginable. BUT ! he abolutelly changed in so many ways. he told me that even when we didnt talk back then (when was with his then gf) he was thinking abt me and just regretting everything he did to me. he even told me that when he got told that i had a new bf (i js dated a guy for 10 days for fun, nothing serious), he spent the whole night drinking alone outside (that was already 4 months after we broke up). he also said that in the relationship he tought about how he could´ve given this treatment to me instead of his new gf (he was treating her very well during the relationship, and didnt cheat ONCE in the whole year of relationship) and was js sad that i never experienced anything like this when i dated him. he also said that all these feelings abt me were getting progresivelly worst, and that it came to a point where he cried to HIS MOM abt me, and how i didnt deserve any of that. 

i think its been around two months since we r in contact again. and he has been treating me SO good, he bought me flowers, took me to a cafe, i wear his clothes and he wears mine. we are also together every single day. like EVERY SINGLE DAY. he misses me whenever we havent seen eachother for like an hour. we share so much laughs together daily, and i js love spending time with him, bc he makes me feel so apprishiated, that i dont even miss the friends i lost because of all this. just the tought of him makes me happy. i wish i could carry him in my pocket all the time. i adore him so much, i love when he talks abt his interests with me or tells me random stories that happend to him. i know hes (technically) my bf but hes also my closest person and my best friend. idk we just click so well (in my opinion). i hope he (at least partially) feels the same. i love his outstanding angelic beautiful blue eyes, even tho i often joke abt their color haha. i love looking at his face, his features are so sharp and nicely set, i could talk abt that for hours. i should learn how to draw his eyes, so i have stuff to do in school, when all i do is miss him anyway. i sometimes make jokes abt liking other people, which i know isnt a really good thing, but i seriously dont mean it. how could i, i could never feel this way with anyone ever. i dont even want to. even if i could i wouldnt even dare thinking of leaving him. how could i. i dont want to get close to anyone else when i have him now. i feel like we just complete eachother so well. im js so uninterested in others, and i dont even mind. its a good thing for sure. tho, sometimes im scared im overly rude and mean to him. but its just words for me, im basically never mad at him. since we started talking again, i got actually angry at him like once or twice, but it was only bc of money, cuz he js spends a lot. which bothers me bc hes barely able to keep any money, but im opened to help him with that. so yea, back to the topic of me treating him like shit. i dont think i treat him bad all the time, but sometimes he gets upset abt the things i say to him. i cant think of an example rn. i should think abt that more, i dont want to upset him anymore. i want to be a better partner than his stupid fucking weird ass ex. he also barely ever mentions her, which is great. tho i cant get rid of the feeling that she had so much more to give him. i barely know her, so i think abt how she might be like a lot. is she funny? i wonder if she was funnier than me. im scared i entertain him less than her. idk i jst cant get rid of the feeling that shes better than me in some ways, and had much more to give him. what if he felt better with her? what if he looks at me and relises how much he actually misses her? these toughts are absolutely torturing me every day. i get so sick when i think abt them together. it makes me want to throw up. it ruins my every day, bc the toughts always come back no matter what. i know me thinking this would make him upset or maybe even annoyed, and im really trying to be as less possesive or jealous as possible, but i js think i might have some issues with that at this point. which doesnt mean i wont try to change or at least chill tf out. i feel like my brain makes it sm more difficult. it just makes me think abt all kinds of stuff even tho i know im gonna be hyperventilating and crying and feeling sick bc of it. its often stuff i have BIG problem with swallowing. i wanted to talk abt it more, and explain the stuff i think abt but im already not feeling well and i didnt even get to the actual thing, and i dont want my evening ruined so i'll js scrap it. the point is, i cant imagine him thinking shes the one or feeling all these deep feelings towards her. i keep re-reminding myself of that one moment where he cried to me (a while before they broke up) abt how he loves her and stuff. i have to fucking stop and take a break from whatever im doing for a minute when this memory crosses my mind. i wish they never fucking met.

anyway !

other than that, everything is perfect, but theres ONE thing bothering me. event tho we´ve been having the best time together for almost two months now, acting all lovey dovey, holding hands in public and stuff... we still ARENT OFFICIAL. which is okay, i mean, he js got out of a year long relationship and i get it and all, but idk man. he said he wants to wait like a month or two max, so im honestly expect him making it official in no time. he also said he has a surprise for us making it official, but idk honestly i think he just said that even tho he has nothing prepared. like i understand that making it official is kinda difficult in our situation bc theres ppl who REALLY HATE the idea of us two being together, but theres also LOTS of people who would absolutely love us together. its honestly most of his friends that have no knowledge of our past, but yk, they keep saying that we r on the same vibe and that we r like perfect together and overall hype us up a LOT. which i apprishiate honestly, its so nice to hear. we also KINDA put out some clues to the public that we have something going on together. he tagged me in his public post he posted, and i posted the roses he bought me. he also always holds my hand in town no matter who sees us which is really freaking cute. so yeah, am i dumb for getting back to him and believing him? honestly, time will show, but right now, we make eachother the happiest, and thats all that matters. I CANT WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL !! x3

26.2. 24

i love him sm, he treats me so well. i cant believe im actually this happy with him. still waiting 4 him 2 make it official tho -×-(i WONT b the one makng it official)

23.12. 24 

i saw myself say that i wish my bf never met his ex but i dont think that anymore. i think that the bad relationship makes him apprishiate the good one he has now, and that he knows how bad things can get, and he wont fuck it up and neither am i.