random rambling (mini vent???)

ok so dont expect this to sound coherent, i just want to get this out in to the void and off my chest. this is just me talking about being lonely and shit.

so im demisexual, im proud of that and fellow people who are on the asexual spectrum. but lately, ive been feeling an ugly ball of emotions in my chest? ive never felt like im in a rush to find someone and start dating, ive actually never dated. which is kinda sad in its own way as im 19 soon turning 20 and ive never felt love from someone else except family and friends. from a young age (like 12 ish) ive had the usual fictional crushes come and go, some have lingered longer, while others have become more akin to comfort characters.

writing stories, imagining fake scenarios with said comfort characters to fall asleep, constantly lost in my imaginations and make believe and a few other methods i still use to feel outside love? if that makes any sense. now for a young kid thats pretty normal in most cases, but around the time most kids my age started dating when i was young and getting boyfriends and girlfriends i was still stuck imagining i was going on adventures with my favorite comfort characters and later on, imagining that we are dating.

now i never lost my touche on whats real and whats fake. ive always managed to know that what is in my head isn't real, but nowadays its oddly painful... i would get lost in wonderland again and then i come back to reality and i just sit there, uncomfortable in my own skin and feeling so alone. and recently one of my friends started dating, and im happy for them! they found a great guy and im glad to see that they found someone better after their first ex. some of my favorite cos-players have also started dating (or something of the like, i haven't done much searching) and i feel so much joy for them. i genuinely feel happy for those who have found the one.

but then theirs me... never had my first kiss, never held hands romantically, never been on a date, nothing of the sort. three of my friends have confessed to me, but each time it never felt right. all of my friends are great people and beautiful in their own way. But all of the three confessions felt nice but my heart wasn't there... and i cant help but also feel jealous of my friend and others who are in a good relationship. now im not in the business of destroying relationships or causing drama, thats not me. but this ugly ball of ugly emotions that swell in my chest is something that scares me a little and just makes me feel like shit.

i, in all honesty haven't planned my life this far so i never prepared to be 19 and a virgin (couldn't think of a better word) in all things romantic and relationship wise. my childhood best friend and my lil sis has suggested i use dating apps but in all honesty they scare me. i do use KIPPO but the app is buggy and i use it to find friends to play games with. and if someone has flirted with me, i wouldnt have realized as im oblivious and on the spectrum as well. im also really shy and im not confident in my looks and words, so when i do see someone i find pretty, i just freeze and look the other way.ย 

so yeah, im just really sad that ive never had a boyfriend and never felt love from a person like that. i want to feel loved, needed and wanted... i also want to feel confident in my own body and so on, but ive always hated how i look, how my voice sounds, how i walk, stand, i honestly hate everything about myself. not a positive way of thinking but such is life... thanks for reading this horrible mess of text and i wish you a good day/evening (โœฟโ—กโ€ฟโ—ก)

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