social media has altered my brain in such a bad way!

If i had a dollar for every time i wanted to change my neocities layout, i'd have a million billion gazillion dollars... DX i just wish i liked my layouts! i'll like em for like 2 days and then hate em, but its never the layout specifically its just that like!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm really bad at figuring out a visual aesthetic and a big part of that is because everything I like, someone I know likes it More and its been ingrained in my mind that if someone likes something more than me, it's their and not mine, and i'm trying really hard to get out of that mindset but it's just!!!! SO HARD!!!!!!!!! i'm working on not caring so much but DX it is. so so hard. we'll see....

BUT ALSO i also have this huge fear of coming off as a poseur when im NOT i think im a very multi faceted? multi,,, layered? person? idk! i love cute pastelly things and i love dark gothic/emo things (and before u say it, i KNOW its a music based subculture,,, i listen to the music, but not as much as others ig?) like. IDK I JUST LIKE SO MANY THINGS!!! And i think ten years on social media starting in my formative years did irreversible damage to my psyche that I'm trying to reverse rn with like.
I DON'T KNOW! Cringe is dead and my life is not meant to be lived pleasing other people but its like. HRMPH. I wish things were easier and I never ever joined social media because I hate the fact that my first thought in creation is the reactions of others instead of my own pleasure and contentment. I dunno. I took my neocities down for now because I want to re-do the whole thing. again. and again. and again. But. it's okay. We keep going. If I can get a Bachelor's Degree, I can also one day find contentment in my menagerie of personality factors. Or whatever.