post-shrooms journal entry from last week

i think sharing this vulnerable entry can help direct someone onto the path of shrooms! for anyone thinking/considering them, i hope this helps you make your decision. i have a lot of things to work on, and shrooms have helped me identify these things. 

1/9/23 12:12 AM

im grateful for so much in my life. i often let the bad things overshadow all the good things in my life. im grateful for the wonderful friends i have that show me unconditional loyalty, support, and understanding. people like ****, *****, ******. **** has shown me unconditional patience. an effort to understand me and get to know me through every phase and change i undergo. ****** has shown me that change for the better is possible. that therapy works. that small wins are just as significant as big ones. that im not alone in feeling so strongly and in such a vast range. ****** has shown me what genuineness looks like. pure kindness and selflessness. hes changed my life forever, in the short span of months we've known each other. im grateful for my mom, who still cares so much about me despite our tumultuous relationship, all the ups [and mainly] downs, all the fighting. we always reconcile. she was so worried for me when i was so depressed in college. time is flying, im growing up and shes growing older. i worry about how much longer we'll have together. i like to think its never too late to rekindle and rebuild our relationship for the better. im grateful for ***. beyond a romantic attraction, i care for him a lot and i know i am cared for by him as well. he was one of the first friends i made in college. he introduced me to so many of his friends that eventually became mine as well. hes very kind and attentive. he likes making his friends and loved ones happy. im not going to lie, there are many things i wish had gone differently between us, and just about our friendship/relationship in general, but... i still wouldn't change it now if i had the opportunity. i need to have faith in myself, and the universe. ive been through so much, yet im constantly redirected onto better things, the "right" path... i need to practice detachment more too. and stop punishing and imprisoning my mind to expectations, and just enjoy whats going on right NOW. i like him a lot. it can be heart-aching at times, and at others, scary. but i trust that whatever the outcome, i WILL be ok. i'm me, and no one can take that away from me. i'm grateful that i get to wake up everyday. that i have a support system. people that try to remind me of my gifts and positives. ive been so down in the dumps lately, or just the last couple of years, that ive forgotten how to be grateful. i want to do this more often. i think it'll help me a lot when i get overwhelmed and feel like my whole world is caving in on me. 

- that is to say, i do still know i will experience depression, grief, pain, all that stuff. theres no cure for those things. but i KNOW i can try to remember the good as well. knowing that will help me so much. i know it. 

did shrooms with ***** on sunday night and ive learned so much about myself. i learned that

• i have a thing for needing to be in control. i had so much anxiety on the come-up. i kept googling how i was supposed to feel. my symptoms, etc.
• im way too harsh on myself. i always think i have nefarious ulterior motives behind the good i do. but i dont. im genuine, and kind. and caring. im not a bad person like ive believed for so long.
• i use my phone so much as a distraction for my internal dialogue and issues i cant confront. example: using my phone in the shower, when im at gatherings, when im talking to *** about my feelings. i need to spend less time using escapism to cope.
• i dont really know myself. sure, i know my superficial interests like music taste, fashion sense, and favorite color, but nothing beyond that. i spend so much time mindlessly scrolling through my phone, when i could be exploring a hobby, practicing my current ones, spending time with MYSELF! i want to get to know myself. im cool. i could be cooler, if i work on exploring myself. this will help me be less codependent too. i will respect myself enough to impose boundaries and stuff. 
• i need to take care of my health and body more. eating better, more often, drinking enough water, exercising, stretching!! i'd feel a lot better if i did these things. when i go back to college, i'll start using the gym at ********.
• i have a lot of shame. and i punish myself for it. i need to learn to be more compassionate with myself. i need to unlearn the shame ive been taught to carry my whole life.