Alone in the presence of friends

why is it that i'm dreading being around people that i love. maybe its true what they say, that trios never work out; because holy shit do i feel so alone all the goddamn time. i just dont wanna be on the outside, and yet i always find myself there. time after time. in my own damn house, i feel like i should leave them to it. how did i even find myself thirdwheeling with the two best friends in what feels like the whole wide world? why do they even want me there if i have nothing to contribute? is it pity? do they talk about me when im not there? so many dumbass thoughts that i cant escape. and yet i continue to go back. i'm reminded of the good times we've had and then i'm pulled back in. i feel like i'm overreacting, but i just wanna be done with it. i'm getting to the point where i dread being around them together. i know that i'll leave the moment its over and just bawl in my room once i get back home. and maybe this makes me pathetic, but my feelings arent any less true as they are stupid. i'm sure they dont mean to, but they make me feel stupid, less than, like a bad friend. and maybe i am. maybe thats just it. i dont even know anymore.

(the lack of punctuation and capitals in certain places is stylistic, hope that doesnt bother you too much)