back in the house!

decided to try and blog more frequently this year. whoop! ☆

lets see how this goes. happy really late new year! new year new me eh, or more like new year and the same bullshit all over again. so what happened since i didnt touch this site anymore? 

my birthday was in december. i turned 22. it gives me such a feeling of anxiety that i cant put into place really. also it bothered me this year that i have no friends to congratulate me at all. its weird, i feel so lonely most of the time, maybe even all of the time that it doesnt occur to me anymore even trying to change it. or wanting to change it. im tired of opening up to people more than i have to or just simply talking to people that much every day. i am at a point where i can't even understand how i did that in the first place, lol

i finally decided to accept the fact that i clearly have bpd and autism. i wanna get therapy for this but i don't really know how yet. bpd especially making my life worse than it already is and destroying the only human connection left in my life, my boyfriend, for me. thank you very much for that. its my fault in the end if i end up completely alone. if i don't stop stalking and not trusting in him. hell, if i dont stop being jealous over fucking fictional characters or anything he likes in any matter. i feel so easily replaced that it really feels like such a tight grip i can't get out of. but at the same time i know i will be okay if i just stick with me and myself only. maybe that is even for the better if i look back at my dating history and at the immense damage all of this has caused. not sure if this is fixable in any way anymore.

but back to some more positives: we want to move together. this year to be exact. yet i dont really have a job, i dont really believe in anything lasting in my life anymore. and still here i am, holding on to one person again. loving and obsessing over them like there is no tomorrow. i wish i could stop being this stupid. 

anyway. i think this got personal enough again. 

hope your day goes well!

love p