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(VENT!!!)

You know, I don’t really like my dad so much because he’s insensitive and doesn’t care about my feelings and whenever I show my feelings he just taunts me but also expects me to be honest and open even though whenever I am honest and open, he gets all angry and he starts yelling and whenever there’s a situation that has nothing to do with me, he just always finds a way to make it my fault + he never gives me privacy whenever I’m changing and showering and he gets angry for little things like me not talking to him + he’s very racist and screams slurs in public then has the audacity to say that he’s not racist PLUS he’s very sexist and says that women can’t drive and he on the right side, I still sort of love him because for some reason he’s the ones that’s cares the most about me, but something I’m glad he did for me, was when I was younger apparently my mom wanted to put me into those weird toddler pageants and he declined, plus when I was younger he never put the “some things are for boys some things are for girls” type of mentality on me, which I’m happy about, plus it seems as if he’s the only one who have NEVER EVER told me what music I should be listening to or if what I’m listening to is too angry. But still, he’s really toxic and for example today, he made me cry just because he yelled at me because “I was slipping in school” just for getting and 85, and a 75 which is literally passing. He’s been getting more and more angry at C’S AND B’S LIKE WHAT?!?!? He claims “oh it’s not about grades” then if I showed him that I failed a test because I didn’t understand it, he starts yelling and getting angry! Last year, I failed 3 tests in a row because the teacher sucked at teaching us and only gave us ONE DAY to study on a topic that she taught horribly, and despite my dad knowing this he still yelled at me because we had studied that, knowing full well that the stuff on the test wasn’t what we learned at all. And then he questions why I hide tests from him. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve literally started crying at things that have nothing to do with him because he’s so judgmental of everything that has nothing to do with him!!! The fact that since FIRST GRADE I started hating school because he was so serious and so angry all the time when it came to school, then he questions why I’m scared of him when he used to and still hits me when it comes to school stuff. It’s gotten to the point where I flinch sometimes whenever we’re just playing around because I’m still scared of him. Because of how tough he is when it comes to school, around like 5th grade, I started having suicidal thoughts because of how scared angry and sad I was All the time. Luckily I’ve been getting better and have found better ways of coping other than thinking about unaliving myself, but I still have these thoughts often. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve thought about self h@rm because of how stressed and angry I’ve been. I just don’t know what to do anymore with my life, I just want school to finally end for me so I can finally live my life in peace for another 3 months before I go back to a hell hole of stress and anxiety. I know it may sound like I’m being “edgy” but i’m not trying to be, I’m trying to express my thoughts. That’s all.


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