My Recent Goal

I have of late been trying to trigger a certain level of craziness in myself. I am on medication so I have been lacking that special sparkle that life gets when I'm unstable. I wanted to prove to myself that I could summon it back if I needed to. The first day I started trying this I tried everything. I listened to my slippery music. Stared at things for a little too long. Encouraged my thoughts into an unreal direction. Turned my room into a breeding ground for the delusions. Nothing would work. I began to think that maybe I had lost the sparkle for good (or at least for as long as I was taking my medicine). But then... The next day I went crazy. But not in the way I was trying for. I instead ended up in a certain kind of spiral that is more detrimental than it is fun. Once I recovered from that though I continued my efforts. I have since discovered that the sparkle isn't gone but its hiding from me. In the woods. I go out there and everything begins to get slippery. I lose the shapes of things and see the shapes of other things. I feel as if I will walk on through the woods forever until I lose the energy to walk. Then I will crawl. Then I will lose that energy too and I will curl up and die there. It feels so special.