Small Life Update

Dear Reader,

I missed my chance to talk more about Christmas, sorry about that. I expected I would have more time after Christmas Day to write more, but I became distracted with family issues. I don't plan to write about my personal life too much, but sometimes I find it necessary. I'm having a hard time keeping up with current events, both out of my busy schedule and lack of motivation. Been more and more depressed recently. Are people more likely to become depressed after the holidays? That would be an interesting subject to research

I hate thinking about my future, but I must. I feel stuck because I'm somewhat comfortable. I'm just comfortable enough. Comfort is dangerous, it makes you complacent. Humans weren't made for comfort, or safety. We were made for adventure and danger. What is life without change? Some might say life is a balance of order and chaos, and they might be right. But it never is balanced at any given moment. You're either ordered and boring, or fighting dragons and getting gold. There's advantages and disadvantages to each, but one must have both to live.

The problem is the first step, I don't even know where I should begin. It's like a game with no rules and an infinite number of moves to make. This is what many mistake for freedom. Freedom without rules is a slavery. It's like a room without walls. The ceiling and roof just fall on top of you- pinning you down. I'm not saying their cant be too many rules, I'm just saying their can also be too little. I'm getting distracted though, I'll try to get back on topic.

My recent doomer outlook started with a dream. I hate these dreams, the ones that make you covet. I dreamed about a girl I used to like, a long time ago. She's married now and expecting a child, which is why this is coveting. The way she touched me and looked at me in my dream drove me wild. It wasn't even necessarily sexual, but when you become so deprived of touch the smallest brush of skin will make your heart race. When the dream ended, and I regained my composure, I remember the time she really did touch me. It wasn't supposed to happen, she was still recovering from a concussion at the time. We were in a hot tub and she was sitting next to me. She rested her hand on my thigh... on more than my thigh. I jumped a bit and told her what she was doing. She was embarrassed but I comforted her, told it it's ok and not to worry about it. I had forgotten that happened, but this dream reminded me. What is the demon inside me who insists on torturing me with these thoughts? What sort of fiendish beast reminds me of what could have been? of what I do not have? I wish I knew, and I wish it would leave me alone.

A troubled soul,

Krieger