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“I hope you live without the need to dominate, and without the
need to be dominated. I hope you are never victims, but I hope you have
no power over other people. And when you fail, and are defeated, and in
pain, and in the dark, then I hope you will remember that darkness is
your country, where you live, where no wars are fought and no wars are
won, but where the future is. Our roots are in the dark; the earth is
our country. Why did we look up for blessing — instead of around, and
down? What hope we have lies there. Not in the sky full of orbiting
spy-eyes and weaponry, but in the earth we have looked down upon. Not
from above, but from below. Not in the light that blinds, but in the
dark that nourishes, where human beings grow human souls.”
it's typical for a giant tangled ball of stress to form in our minds, which at first feels like you're in uncontrollable chaos - but if you stop the storm and break it down, you may find there's a lot less to worry about than you thought. i had a really really crap day & one of my biggest flaws is the mindset that: one bad thing makes one bad day, and since i've had a bad day-- i might as well have a bad week. a phrase that's really stuck with me, "this is not your grave" 💌🩵
i regularly have to remind myself that there are days when i bounce back
from a lot of things that are thrown at me, and these are the days
where that resilience shows. and if a small thing ruins my day, then i am running on empty or just didn't take everything else in account that
happened before that might have drained me. i've come to learn that if one person's reaction seems to affect me that
significantly, then i haven't been well in the first place. i give myself a moment to feel whatever i‘m feeling and try to give it a
name. something happened and i reacted. i ask myself why it bothers me
so much. once i‘ve ticked off boxes, it‘s much more organized in
my head.
i've kind of made a reputation for myself as being an /extremely/ absent person, my natural reaction to any negativity is to hide myself away. i have meetings with my school council every wednesday and i've missed it every. single. wednesday. for a month, and this build-up is getting really overwhelming to me. the longer i stay away, the harder i find it to come back. it's really REALLY been bothering me and they're all starting to wonder where i am, less in a nice way and more in a "get your shit together girl" way. my friend is ushering me to communicate in the group chat but i just ughh i'm soo bad at it. my isolating habit is something i need to focus on forefront !! 😳😳 i told myself for so long that loneliness suits me, but it's not true, and i've come to understand this also hurts the people around me, too, when i push everyone away. i have no idea where to begin on changing though, i've been like this for so long and the idea drowns me. :( i just want to be a good friend.._ more than anything 🩷🩷🩷
but through all the difficult days i'm going to face this year, i've also done so much great. i'm almost a month sober, i'm in good health, i've set boundaries and stood up for myself, i have booked up weekends and i'm getting myself out there. change is coming.
i always have time to change, and change isn't linear. i made a step forward today by being open about this struggle i have, and i was present today even through my sadness. my bad days are not reflective of me as a whole and joy is not a crumb.
stagnation isn't inevitable, no person is in a fixed state. creation is essential, read a lot and read everything, film and art and music are what builds your soul, possessions dont imporve things, university is <4 years of the rest of your life - make the most of it, joy and love and intelligence are the tenets of life, and loving people is OK. i am young and learning how to live!!
palestine will be free, then we will work on the next thing, then the next.
change is coming.
XO K
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xalli
i'm so glad ur able to acknowledge all this n really take the step back that ur clearly taking ! really mature n thoughtful way to approach things. wishing u lots of luck