Thanksgiving Thoughts, The Death of Shane, "Karen" horror film concept, and New Years Eve Reflections/Resolutions

I don't think this holiday based on genocide should be celebrated. Regardless it's hard to be alone when you know everyone else is together. I haven't done a mental health check in in a while, so here is where I'm at. 

I’m just a millennial who lives on their own

I don’t have any family in this state

And most of my friends are scattered around the country if not the world

Holidays were never super import to me as a child

We didn’t have any crazy traditions or make a big fuss over them

So I don’t get sentimental over them because of that 

But when I’m forced to take an unpaid day off I’m reminded of how lonely my life truly is

How even though I have made a little home for myself that in the end all I really have is me

I thought that had changed earlier this year

I had met a person who seemed to be really into me for who I was 

That was a new experience for me.  Usually I’m more into the other person, than they are in me

That little difference, that feeling of excitement, the thought of being desired… it clouded all the red flags

They weren’t all bad. There was a lot I liked about them. It wasn’t a black and white decision.

I was much more forgiving than I should have been to their demons

Although I wish only the best for them and all I can hope is that they get better 

It’s hard to say good bye and go back to square one

And I don’t honestly know if I will ever feel that way again

I could have done lots of things today 

But all of them would have been alone 

I’ve started to come to the conclusion that might just be how it always is

And really In the end that’s not that bad

I’m very independent, self-sufficient, and proud of my accomplishments 

I can find a lot of peace on my own

And this leaves no distractions in my constant effort in bettering myself

Today was a good day

Even if it was lonely

Today I lost a friend, a family member, and a truly amazing cat. 

For the past nearly 17 years Shane has been a constant presence in my life. Every morning I woke up to him cuddling with me in bed. Whenever I went into the yard he would come and find me, we would adventure together, he was always besides me.

At some point my life sent me far away from him but we never weren’t close. He loved to hear my voice on the phone, I would send him gifts, and when we were together it’s like nothing ever changed. 

He impacted more than just my life. He had the energy of a capybara, he could make friends wherever he went. From other cats (boy has he had a few feline companions), to fawns, to snakes, and to even the grumpiest old men. Shane frankly didn’t care if you didn’t like cats, because he knew you were wrong and just by existing he would change your mind. He was always in it for the long game.

He had a wonderful life spread across several states. He supported my family through all our moves. He provided entertainment, love, and yoga instruction. 

He was a funny little guy, he had some quirks both mentally and physically, he had the metabolism every woman dreams of, and I would argue that he potentially had one of the best personalities ever known to cat. 

He’s going to be greatly missed. His perfect little polydactyl toe beans will never be able to be replaced. 

I wish I could have been there. It’s really hard not to be. I always imaged that I would’ve been there. I’m so sorry Shane. 

Starts out in a mall, b roll

Smallish store (set up kind of like mine) 

Woman in line(Karen) unreasonably impatient 

Person at till giving really great customer service, is just a little behind, but also clearly understaffed

Karen gets to check out and starts to pick a Karen-y fight 

Turns into the typical “let me talk to your manager,” manager of course isn’t in that day 

Refuses to leave, employee says they can wait there while mall security arrives to help “resolve” the issue

Karen starts acting aggressive. Gets in employees face, starts pushing. 

Employee tells her she has to leave the store

Karen won’t go. Employee starts defending herself, holding Karen back from hitting, and pushing Karen towards door, Karen starts biting and becomes more and more violent

Other employees jump in and get her past the from door and lock them quickly 

The few employees and customers all watch from the inside, through the glass doors as Karen bangs on the doors

But then she starts morphing, skin-walker like, her voice becomes deeper, she starts speaking in a mix of English and some ancient sounding language

Everyone is obviously getting more scared

Cuts to an interview (with either the store manager or the local police) employee explains how once mall security arrives she watches Karen attack them, rip them apart like it was nothing, and then just disappear into thin air

The interviewer clearly doesn’t believe them. Witnesses say the same store but it’s not logical and none of the footage from the store or the mall seems to exist 

Employee try’s to move on. Starts attempting to convince themselves what they experienced wasn’t real. The other employees that they worked with that day are nice to them but also seem on edge, anyone not working that day treats them as if they are crazy. 

Employee decides to move on. They can’t sleep anymore. They keep imaging as if they see Karen around every corner when they are working. They are just generally spooked and decide another retail position will give them a new environment and a new perspective. 

Starts working in a new job (I’m imagining a Sephora kind of a vibe) 

All seems to be going well for a bit. Employee is getting into their groove and readjusting. Their nightmares seem to be going away. Maybe they can be normal again. 

Sees employee doing excellent customer service again

One day at the new job they wander over to a woman facing away from them, introduces themselves and asks if they need help

It’s Karen who mentions they “found them”

Employee faints

Wakes up surrounded by new co-workers. No one remembers the women. Sends employee home for the day. 

This is where it turns into a real horror movie. 

Employee is paranoid. Can’t seem to stop seeing Karen where ever they go. 

Karen won’t leave them alone. Starts attacking them anywhere and everywhere. Employee can’t seem to escape. Karen clearly has it out for employee. 

Employee reached out to help from authorities, who blow her off. Employee not being understood or beloved. Decides to go looking for the answers themselves. 

Comes to a standstill. Karen and employee are hunting each other. With a little bit of quick wit and a chance of luck employee ends up victorious and killing Karen. 

Local authorities, who had started to monitor employee after their last experience with them, find them at the crime scene with the body. Employee is arrested and tried for for murder of an “innocent person.”

Employee ends find in a psych ward: nurse walks in (it’s Karen). Was it their imagination the whole time? 

(honestly I would like to see this movie made, so please make it, just maybe add my name to the credits - that would be dope)

As I sit alone tonight just trying to catch up on my busy life; I’m reminded of the fact that it is new years and that maybe I should take a moment to reflect on that. At the beginning of 2023 I went into the year with 3 resolutions. 1) to do things that make me uncomfortable in order to better myself 2) to be more selfish (focus on myself over others, mentally, physically, and financially) and 3) to work on my posture. I honestly think I was rather successful with 2 of them. I’ve been out of my comfort zone a lot this year and I’ve put myself first a lot more. I’ve tried a little bit of dating, I’ve done a lot of therapy, and I actually got some new clothes this year (to name a few things) So in honor of making some progress: here are a few (but definitely not all) of the things I’ve learned in 2023 in no particular order: -Understanding your mental health and it’s triggers is only the first step to changing your behavior -Shaving your head will dramatically decrease how often people hit on you. However if you get cat-called it’s often scarier and more aggressive than it was before -Caring deeply about someone with addiction is really hard, and choosing to walk away is agonizing -You can do a lot to change your environment and schedule to better your mental health. You may always have chronic depression but your sadness can cut less deep than it has in the past. -A bath is still the best way to ground yourself. -I am a human and every day I just need to try. Most days that’s enough, some days that isn’t, and that is okay. -This is a moment of suffering, suffering is a part of life -Never hold your pee while wearing a jumpsuit, it causes way to much anxiety about close calls -It’s a luxury to get to know yourself -There is a difference between having goals and being consumed by everything you are not -Even the best communication in the world won’t make someone hear you if they are committed to misunderstanding you -Sleeping with a night mask makes you sleep better but makes you uncomfortable, sleeping in a hoodie solves that problem -One’s relationship with one’s self sets the precedent for all other relationships -You live in a society built on capitalism. You are not set up to succeed, just keep floating, that’s all anyone can expect from you -Nothing beats a good banana, we should really eat fruit like all the time 2024 is looking to be a scary year. Full of new challenges and ominous political agendas. It’s bound to have its ups and downs. I’m quiet afraid of it, if I’m being honest, but I’m going to do my best to stay afloat and better myself. In this new year I hope to train myself into a better posture, to give myself some more free time (hopefully only 1 job) and use that time to build my relationship with myself and friends, and to hopefully save some money for the inevitable house market crash. Happy New Year everyone, good luck