(Asking For Ideas) I Want To Like Music Again

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My relationship with music is a little complicated. I wasn't exposed to a lot when I was very young, as my family did not listen to the radio. We mostly listened to audiobooks. I found some music I really liked through my older sister when I was in middle school, even enough to want an ipod. I got an ipod classic and I loved it very much. Any time I was walking somewhere, or working independently at school, I used it to listen to audiobooks and music. This continued into college and for a bit after. I never liked talking about music casually; I can't understand a lot of singing and people get weird and judgy about music. 

The real issue did not hit until hybrid teaching during the pandemic. After months of going through the bullshit motions of trying to get everyone around me to care about each other, something in me cracked. It hit me randomly one day that my ipod had been dead for months, and I couldn't even listen to music I loved. Anything too complicated to go in a video game or ambiance video felt too overwhelming. With the exception of two songs, trying to force myself to listen to a song the whole way through felt like forcing myself to touch a hot stove. Even songs that matched how I felt (what used to decide how I compiled a playlist) felt too emotionally discordant. After talking with M and my best friend, we noticed it also matched my loss of energy and interest in my hobbies. I was just that depressed.

I've come a long way since then. A big part of that was leaving that school and getting some therapy. I am still nowhere near where I used to be, and I dislike that. I think I'm always going to prefer podcasts and video essays while cleaning the house, and I am fine with that. What I would like is to be able to listen to music while in the shower, writing, or even while walking the dog for inspiration. I also think I could get back into some of the more physical hobbies I used to have (like spinning staff) if I could connect to my playlists again.

Right now, I can enjoy some artists on Spotify while riding in the car with M. Something about it feels like when I used to pick an artist on my ipod and hit shuffle. M is aware and very encouraging. I have been on an Aurora kick lately. Her vibe matches what I am going for with my VTM character, and that helps. 

I'm asking for ideas on how to push this further. Briefly, I was helping a student in a music history class (the teacher is a fabulous human, you'll never meet her, but it still feels important to say). Her first assignment was for students to create a list of music they liked for her to look at. I think the ending point was once it came out to three hours (give or take). I was pulled from the class and stuck somewhere else, but I have thought about doing that anyway. The point is: I am open to ideas.