HELLO, WORLD!

It's me, Ray. Again. I was cutting my emo coiff and listening to my emo playlist and thought of the good ol' days...man, six months ago feels like forever. Seriously, though. I haven't been on here since the summer. And I probably won't be on here until the summer. Next summer. I don't think anybody reads these and I don't think anybody really cares, but that's okay. 

The Burning is probably one of the best EPs ever to exist. Thank you, Ice Nine Kills. 

I kind of just...

I hate going back to school again (winter break just finished) because I get to be myself for a few weeks and then it's just BAM. Mask back on. Go respond to a name that isn't yours and like try not to relapse (relax, relapse, relax...etc, etc.). It's tough, it's really tough, and January is the toughest.

It's really hard to describe how I feel when I listen to certain emo songs because it's like I have nostalgia for something I've never even experienced. Like I have that feeling and I try to remember where it's from, because I know damn well it's not from 2019 when I discovered My Chem or last year when I first listened to INK. 

So I guess I'm trying to live my life like I was the age I am now when I was born. (Have fun reading that sentence, future me. LMAO.) 

Anyways, I got my Draculaura Chiropto-camera 2013. Monster High 2013 discontinued digital camera. YIPPEE! Best Christmas gift ever. 

This is Emme, whom I've been seeing. 

I like them a lot and I hope things can stay like this. When I haven't seen them in a while, my brain goes a little insane and tries to convince me of things that aren't true. But when I'm with them, it's like I'm back on Earth again. Also they're so fucking cool and funny and I'm really glad they're in my life. Emos do fall in love. 

This is a bar in Brooklyn, where I went to an underground gig. Super fun, felt like a real teenager. (Felt like a kid trying to be an adult.) 

Great time, really great time, really liked going somewhere I've never been before. 

Sometimes I think I don't need drugs or alc to feel out of my fucking mind. Sometimes a good thing, sometimes I think it'll put me in a box very far below the ground. 

This is my friend Aeon and their cat Mr. Stitches, and they'll be leaving to London for a semester (the kid, not the cat, haha.). I don't know why you would do that. Like, I get it, England is cool and all, but I just like being here in New York where I have...like, friends. I get escapism and all that but my God sometimes I think like it's not a place I need to escape from but a feeling in my head.

And my stuffy ass school. One day I swear to god my school is going to make me really really dead.

Thomas Ligotti said something or other about using horror as escapism and how it's a paradox. Like, you're using something that makes you feel afraid, where bad things happen to people—you're using it to escape reality (which it's assumed you don't like). It makes sense to me and I think to a lot of people on here. Like, everyone on here likes horror movies. I'm kind of an edgelord, though, so I guess it makes sense. 

Emme made me a playlist and it makes me feel safe.

I think things will be better one day but right now it gets a little hard to believe sometimes.

It's like, the space where I have to spend so much of my time like every single day like when I'm there I have to be a whole other person that isn't me. Like I know I'm technically closeted to a lot of people but at least I still get to dress how I want and like...act like myself. 

I swear to god going to an all-girls school as a trans man fucking messes with your brain. I've gotta have lasting trauma from this shit. Like I just constantly have such apocalyptic, world-ending, hope-draining (insert more drama) thoughts about my situation and it's not even that god damn bad. Like I kind of hate how there's actual people in bad (worse) situations and I just can't help but feel like shit all of the time. 

i just need to believe that things are going to get better.

Things are going to get better.

They're going to get better.