dead by sunrise

"This feeling will pass" but what if it won't, what if it'll never go away. What it i'll always feel like this, hopelessly stuck in an infinite loop of trying to be better and then getting worse again. I'm so scared of the future because I can't see myself in it. I can't imagine living long enough to finish school, grow up, maybe start a family. It feels like such an unincomplishable dream. I dread every second of existence, surviving deadline to deadline. Telling myself "I only have to make it to the end of this week" over and over again. Everyday feels like a repeat of the last only I'm rotting more with the passing of each one. I'm stuck in an endless cycle of making up excuses worth living for. I'm desperate for any sign that it'll get better, that I'm not destined to feel like this forever. Anytime I try to reach out for help I either chicken out at the last moment or get shunned. It's all so worthless.

I'm back to my old habits and I don't think i'll ever get better. It's a never ending cycle of me being a terrible person, pretending to get better and falling back down. My flesh is rotting and I'm desperately digging my nails into it hoping for the life that it once covered to come back. I'm decaying with each passing moment and I know damn well i'll soon be only my skeleton, the bones revealing the fucked up thing that i've always been. Because, no matter how much I try to change, to fix myself, to force my brain to think I'm not who I am. I'll always be fundamentally rotten to the core. Because no matter how much I don't want to believe it, i'll always be fundamentally me. And who I am is disgusting. I deserve all the shit that happened to me and what i'm going to do to myself.

I hope this night is my last one.

goodnight