urge

It's almost 2 in the morning... I have school tomorrow so I should be sleeping.

But I can't help but find myself with the urge to runaway. I've had this urge before, so I have a multitude of tik toks saved about it, like things of what to do, what to look out for, how to be safe, etc. But the thing that always stopped me back then was the fact I would be leaving my pets behind. My friends behind. I'd loose everything.

So I never did. I never ran away, for a multitude of reasons. But everytime I had that urge, the reasonings became different. It was always along the lines of 'I don't want my friends to be sad' or 'I don't want to leave my pets behind'. But now I find myself thinking, it's too much of a hassle. That it'd be a waste if I got caught and dragged home where I might die. 

I want to run away. From everything. From school, from home, from everyone. I live in a relatively small town, you can walk to most places without much of a problem. But that doesn't mean it's a tight knit community, which is an issue in it's own way. 

This time, I found myself not caring whether I left my friends behind. Not caring if my pets died without me to help them. Whether my family would be alright. I didn't care about it being a hassle, or a pain of getting caught and dragged back. Though I guess being annoyed that I wouldn't have any money counts as caring about it being a hassle. But I didn't care about it that much. I nearly got up from bed and packed a bag, but what stopped me was the fact it was cold outside and I was tired. So I didn't.

I wouldn't have packed smart either anyway, just my van gogh books, my sketchbook, a pencil, a reusable water bottle and the 3 dollars in change that I have. Maybe a spare change of clothes, but nothing else. There's nothing else here for me. Nothing for me to do. Waking up, going to school, coming home, playing games, eating, sleeping, repeat. Everything I wanted to do before is gone. The world is at war, it might even end next year, or maybe this year. Everythings locked behind money, racism, homophobia, transphobia, war, genocide, it's all fucked really. I find myself not caring about these things anymore.

Maybe that's my fault, for lacking empathy. Maybe it's my parents who gave me internet access from a young age. I saw things, things my little 6 year old mind shouldnt have seen. Maybe I was born that way. Maybe there's somethig wrong with me. I don't know. Maybe that's alright. Maybe it isn't. I find the urge to run away more and more. I'm almost 18. I still don't know multiplication. I don't know how to rent an apartment, or what legal things are. Maybe that's my fault too. Maybe I justify myself too often. It's human nature to justify after all. Maybe that's how I justify so often. Maybe it's not.

I do try to see the good in humanity. I do. I know humanity is capable of being more, of being heroes that people need. These people are often stamped out by other people, suffocated by their negativety and hatred and fear that they never get the chance to show them the sun still rises. I know humanity is better, that there are good people still. But it's easy to be negative than fight through it and be positive. 

Maybe I'll run away after I'm 18. I wouldn't get in trouble for it. Probably. Maybe I'll get a job first, then I wouldn't worry about money as much. I don't eat a lot, so I'd be fine. Maybe. 

I gave myself 10 years. When it was 2017. I'd kill myself if things never got better. I'm a senior who's not going to graduate, I don't have any sort of job or aim in my life. I don't have firm belief in myself. It's not going well so far.

Maybe if I run away, I'll take my parents medication and overdose. Maybe not. Too scary really. Dying is scary to me. Though, my fear of death is dwindling more and more lately. Maybe that's what I'm really scared about. If I was though, I should feel scared about that too.

But I don't.

Honestly if you read all this, what's wrong with you. Don't you have anything better to do? Or maybe we're the same. Maybe we aren't. Take a break. Or don't. I'm not your mom.

How are you doing anyhow?