Stagnant

My life has become stagnant, but I find peace in it. My life devolved into the repetition of sleep, classwork, a few hours of work and a few things between to never allow myself to dwell on my situation. I feel as though I haven’t grown enough since my teenage years, I don’t feel grown, what does it mean to be 21? And am I achieving what I thought I would at this age? 

Truthfully, no. I haven’t. I had thought I would publish a book by now, I have so many thoughts, ideas, characters that I will never finish, and I have no reason for it. I love writing, but I get bored within the middle of my story. I love writing endings, I love establishing a world, creating lore, but somewhere in the middle I get muddled. 

I have been in college for nearly three years now, and the others in my life wants me to go another four years. Yet, I feel this would waste my twenties, would I be wasting my twenties for a degree or carving a future for me?

I work, I live as though I am promised my forties, my fifties, even my thirties. I am promised nothing in this life, I wasn't assured yesterday or tomorrow, but we all live as if we do. How else could we live? I am promised nothing.

But I somehow find peace in that too. Life is short, messy, and I find myself in a family riddled with mental health issues and generational trauma, and I am tired of creating another thing to worry about. I love writing the beginnings of short stories, and if I never finish them, I make them for me. I love writing characters that might live in my google docs when I die, and in the stagnant waters of my life. I love the life I have now, in my own way. I don't feel the shame I used to for seemingly wasting my youth. I can lay back on a sunny day and allow the water to ripple slightly.