life sucks - loneliness

So for me it was something that i’ve had to live with for most of my teenage life and I am almost a hundred percent sure it’s something that everyone reading this has felt as well and probably most of you are still feeling. If there was a good way to describe it, I’d say that its like being the third wheel in a relationship except there is no relationship, or two other people. You’re just by yourself. It’s the absolute worst when you’re just sitting in isolation or even at a place with a lot of people and you have absolutely no one to share your thoughts with or some one to hear your words or even a person that can be next to you, keeping you warm from the cold empty feeling you get inside. But yeah its so hard to be us because we are the ones who want to feel loved and be loved and give love and yet, that’s not what we get. In turn we get to watch as all of these undeserving pieces of shit, assholes, and bitches and dicks and sluts getting all the attention they could ever want and not even appreciating it. People like us would kill for that. And yet they just blow it off like it’s nothing and I remember seeing all this and being “wow, well I guess this is what the world is like. Guess im just too boring, too ugly and too weak and too pathetic and too weird to ever be liked by a human being.” Because using that thought process, I start to think you deserve to be ignored just because that’s how evolution works. Mates need a strong and powerful and good looking individual and I wasn’t any of those things by any stretch of the imagination. Despite the few facts that according to what I was told may be bearable, I was a very nice guy, maybe I was a little funny, and probably had a few unique things about me, but no one would ever care enough to actually find out those things about me so in turn, I was just an outcast that no one ever knew anything about.

Being ignored and unnoticed possesses a terrible amount of sadness that just crawls up your sleeve when it happens. I remember back when i had an instagram and my old twitter account and I had followed people from my school, how many likes and replies did my tweets and posts get? You can probably guess the exact number if you already go through that. But yeah, it was zero. Despite the fact that I added people who I thought were my friends and who I thought would like the stuff that I posted. But I guess not. I wonder if what I was doing back then was actually uninteresting they were just purposely not liking it or replying so they wouldn’t get caught in a conversation with someone as ugly as me. And what sucked even more, is when someone popular or good looking in school posted something right after or right before you did, and you see your mutual friends liking and talking to them, but not you. It was debilitating seeing that. It even got to the point where getting a singular text message made my heart skip. I remember the long hours and perpetual suffering just constantly waiting to get a reply and it broke my heart every time because they never did. And even when you do nice stuff for people, or favours for everyone, and you try your absolute best to win the hearts of people, they give you like a very momentary praise if even that. And it’s like they don’t talk to you again and you’re like “wow that really worked. I got a compliment for something I spent time and effort into and nothing else.”  Fuck that. I remember back when thought I had friends, I would always be there for them whether it’d be doing their homework, or doing them a favour, or being someone they can vent to, and when I ask “hey wanna hang out?” or “can you talk right now?” you know exactly what they would say. “oh sorry im busy” and it felt like that every time and the only thing you could reply is “oh okay sorry” because if you even dare to question why they always seem to have some kind of excuse to reject anything you ask for, you can consider yourself dead to them because they don’t need you. They don’t need me. And its true they didn’t need me.

Like all I had was basically music, movies, tv shows, and video games. All life savers really and we really appreciate them. It just sucks that you have no one there playing or watching with you. That thought always comes back up like every time I play a game im just like “man I really wish I had a girlfriend to lay my head on as I feel their warmth as she watches in awe while im slaying all these demons and stuff and yeah.” But im sure you know that feeling. And despite the fact that there are over seven billion humans on the earth right now, despite the fact that statistically, over millions of humans are more than compatible with my personality, I cant help but feel like every time I end up meeting one of them, I end up fucking it up because why else have I lived on the earth for almost two decades and still find myself crawling back home with no one besides myself. And of course all of this perpetual loneliness is a road to one very specific place that a lot of us have lived inside or are still living in. Depression I guess. But yeah, im sure a fuckton of us know about that. Anyways its just so horrible. No one to cuddle with when you feel undesirable, no one to give you a hug when you really want one, no one to tell you its gonna be okay, no one to even share one singular deep thought with. But you are not the only one feeling lonely. everything that ive just wrote was me speaking from my experiences and my own life. I know what the fuck loneliness is like and I know we all suffer from different degrees of it. But do not think for a second that you have it the worst, because I can guarantee you there is a girl or guy out there who has it way worse than you who is just waiting for somebody like you to emphatically adore the shit out of. You’d fuckin cry if you could actually see the amount of people who are attracted to you and vice versa. You have absolutely no idea how large the world is if you cant see that. Im not gonna tell you that’s gonna happen tomorrow or even soon, but please trust in the words of a friend. From me to you, im telling you that loneliness does not last forever. If you find yourself asking what you should do in this situation, and just like me, you’re gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Because everyone’s life and scenarios and personalities and everybody’s different. I cant tailor make an entire guide book for every individual who reads this. All I can tell you is to just do something. Trust me. At first it may yield no results but it will get better at some point. Your best will finally be good enough. You’ll see.