The weirdest symptom of my AUDHD

OK to preface: technically, not the weirdest symptom, depending on how you classify weird and also, if you have autism & ADHD, depending on the way your neurodivergence presents itself. but for MY symptoms and presentation, this is an objectively funny and subjectively pretty strange trait of my autism & ADHD combining.

So, for background, I've got a hyperfixation in Ace Attorney that fluctuates. I wouldn't quite classify it as a special interest, though it has come back strong consistently for a few weeks every few months, and it does bring me a lot of comfort my other spins do, but. In a different way. AA isn't like a key part of my identity, the way P5 or UTDR is. OK? So, currently the only thing running through my brainspace is AA. It's the only thing keeping me sane through a lot of personal shit, especially since it's, again, an interest that isn't intrinsically tied to me and who I am as a person, but still is really strong and comforting for me. I'm replaying the PWAA trilogy for like, the 3rd time. I'm going through it but it's great. Currently have it open and just playing it as my background music while I write this post.

So. That's the thing. Background music or video. If I'm going to be playing a game, I usually also have a video running, unless the game has voice acting, which PWAA does not. I have horrid, horrid ADHD and I usually only barely pay attention to the background audio I chose, using it mostly just so I don't dissociate into next week or open something else and get lost and not play the game (exactly what I'm doing writing this post, LOL). So, because I'm really going through it and I genuinely can't think of anything except for AA right now, I turn on a no commentary playthrough of AAI:ME. Great game, I've watched it through before, I'll probably play it myself at some point if this hyperfixation continues on, which is likely ATP. Currently trying to play through P5T on top of PWAA trilogy, so that's gonna be a while. AuDHD makes me a very slow gamer, cus as I said, it takes a lot for me to not end up writing a blog post about the game I am actively playing, and I also need to absorb so much while I game. Also. Bad hand eye coordination. Never claimed to be a great gamer, just happen to like games despite it.

But, while my ADHD requires I watch a video, and the combined nature of my AuDHD makes it so I can't really find any joy in a video that isn't related to PWAA right now, my autism is coming to strike. Because I can't fully focus on two things that require me to read, so basically, the AAI:ME video is just extra AA music on top of the music already playing from PWAA. BUT my autism HATES this. I turn to the game, realizing I just accidentally clicked past a dialogue without reading it and now I feel like I have ruined the game experience for myself (it is not this deep). If you didn't know, PWAA does not have backlogs, something P5 has spoiled me with. But I've already played this game like, 2 times before this, so I really shouldn't care, but I do feel sad about it anyways because I have a certain way of enjoying games like this and I feel like I've messed up that flow. But, oh wait! I look down at my video! I've missed dialogue in the video! I have watched this video before, so again, not missing out on anything. Even if I was, I can rewind very easily. But this makes my brain explode tenfold! I can't keep resetting the video for every dialogue I miss, I need to focus on the game! Pretty soon, I'm playing the weirdest back-and-forth, where for 30 seconds I'm absorbed in the video, and then for a minute or so I'm focused on the game, and neither are getting the love I feel they deserve.

Presently, the video has been turned off. I will probably turn it on to help me sleep tonight, if I can cope with knowing I will eventually be closing my eyes on The Hyperfixation. However, the video being turned off has not saved my ADHD, which has led me to ignoring the game and instead writing a blog post about how I'm ignoring the game. I'll get back to it as soon as I click publish.

I just find my stupid little AuDHD brain so interesting, with how it self-sabotages the very thing it demands I do instead of the many important things I need to do, such as unpack and do laundry. It will stop at nothing to receive the dopamine it needs: Even stop itself from receiving the dopamine it needs! Wait... LOL. That's all, the music is just taunting me ATP so I'm going back to it.

Sparkles! <3