Life and its loneliness

I don't care if no one ends up seeing this. Loneliness is an illness that kills the brain. So much of the day is taken up by that emptiness eating away at the core of your being. Its not something that has a form, it is the lack of form that makes everything good fall into decay. Like a black hole, a mass no one should enter. I’m around so many people and somehow I fall into the mass when I am left all alone. I can’t stand myself, what I can't do, what I am missing in life. I knew something was wrong when I was 13. I had thought it would go away. It used to be reserved for summers. There was a dread when the school year ended. A dread that i would be in my room again, but even further isolating than that, I would be in my head. Its terrifying how many of your thoughts and their depth, people will not be able to understand. Language isn't enough for me. How do I describe this feeling to those who have not felt it? To the people who raised me and seem to think I’ve hardly had a bad day. I want to be grateful for all that i have, i like to think I am but life is cruel. The mass creeps up on me even on good days. I’ve tried to tell myself i will grow out of it, it is probably a teenage thing. I will no longer be a teen soon enough…. It becomes worse when I remember the faces of people who were once so very good to me. I remember their names, their faces, most of what the last thing they said to me was. I do not mean to. But their existence fills the lack of form in my being. It makes its own little hole that takes from me over and over again. I love people. I do… I feel lost. I feel so lost and afraid most days. Even when I joke with my friends or speak with my family. I met all these new people through games and being as social as possible but somehow my connections never feel as deep as they used to be. Somehow, I do not know what is left or right. It is like i speak to people through a filter. I want so badly to be able to really feel the emotions to their intensity as i used to. However, that is also a scary thought. Hurting sucks. But to be hurt means to exist, to be hurt means that there was something deep there… and I want it again. Not this disgusting eating hole in me. I wouldnt care how often i'd get hurt. I would let them do it to me over and over again. At least I could live with that feeling. But this? There is something so meaningless in an existence like mine. I am worth nothing, even to myself. I am not this talented great kid anymore who has potential. Im a below-average adult who cant stand themselves. I miss all those faces i used to know. I miss the one I used to recognize in the mirror. I miss her because even though she felt that hole eating her from the inside, she could still manage. Now shes no one, in a bed, all on her own. She swings sometimes to feel good for a moment, goes to church every now and again. But she is not there anymore. Its just me. Its me in this bed, its me in this swing, its me in the church and its me in my head. And i hate me. I hate me so much. I wish I was normal like everyone else. I wish i wasnt weird or chatty or stupid. I wish i could be that talented kid again, even if it meant bullying. At least I would have some sort of deeper feeling other than painful emptiness and loss. I wish I knew when to shut up. I wish I never existed to begin with.