I hate the rollercoaster that is progress I wish it was easier

TW discussions of grooming, violence, relapse, and general toxic coping behaviors

I finally got authorized by my insurance to start doing an intensive outpatient program with Charlie Health and I did the orientation the other day. Very surprised by how they just get into shit right away like we weren't even in a therapy session it was an orientation and yet they were already focusing on pretty intense stuff. Plus they let anyone say anything even tho it's a group environment and there's virtually no enforcement on the patients to be careful about triggering topics which is wild. They're also being really fucking annoying about my scheduling like this place is already pissing me off and I haven't even started treatment yet. You can't just give me a random ass schedule without asking me when I'm available I have a life. 

Tho, the thing that frustrated me the other day was me. They had us do an activity in the orientation where we made a timeline of important events in our lives, good or bad. I didn't realize until after the meeting was over that the subject of when I met my groomer had triggered tf outta me. Actually started fucking tweaking it was an entire mess and it annoyed me so much. I get so upset by moments like that after the fact bc it's damn near impossible for me to figure out that something's happening until I'm already too deep into it. Alexithymia is the WORST. Plus I have no consistent triggers, what is up with that!? Something will be totally fine with me one day and then the next my brain will get triggered by the exact thing that I was fine with before. And it's always the smallest most insignificant thing uuuuugggghhhh. 

The one upside I guess is that I did kind of do the right thing after doing some of the wrong things. I did engage in some poor coping but I stopped and then I reached out to my friend. And then I once again went toxic and deleted the message and started convincing myself I'm annoying and they hate me. And then I sent the message again and actually let them see it and they helped me bc they in fact don't hate me. So I guess ultimately I was successful but it still feels really sucky. I did feel a lot better after talking to them tho, we stayed up all night. I'm just so tired of this stupid trauma with this stupid guy who's literally worth less than the dirt under my shoes like I'm so much better than him and yet he rules my head this shit sucks. Luckily my friend also despises him and we were able to make the subject funny and light which helps a lot. Here's some of the highlights of the convo bc my friend is literally the best :))

(Apologies to all nice Alex's this is all in good fun lol)

(Song playing is Sympathy by LuLuYam)