sheppard's lamb

dear Satan,

I am afraid you will deny me the afterlife in hell, trully

you see, when I was younger I was afraid I was going to burn in hell eternally for my sins

I pleaded to the false god to kill me before I needed his forgiveness

but as I got older, I started to crave the comfort and the heat of hell

now, I wish to lay down besides you and finally rest for eternity when my time comes

to sleep without a worry in my head, to be finally safe

but, I am afraid I do not deserve it

for some reason, the christian rules are still carved on the back of my mind

I fell guilty, I fell sinful

I fell scared

I want to be worthy of your love but I don't think I can

I am not worth of love or forgiveness but I still wish for it

being human is trully beautiful when you think of it

but living as a human is extremely painful

I will always make mistakes

even writing this, I know I'm making a mistake

I know I shouldn't plead for forgiveness and love but I still do

I treat you like a god when you didn't asked me for it

but I don't know how to love without adoration

I don't know how to love without making myself smaller

this type of love makes me hungry and I starve myself

I am my own executioner and I will starve to death

I hope that when this happens, you will hold me even if I am unworthy

even if I don't know you anymore, even if I am disgusting and rotting

even if I am not myself anymore, can you make me someone lovable when I lose my flesh?

will you love me trully?

will you save me