life

i feel like i need to open up somewhere and tbh idk where else, because i don't really want to speak about stuff with my friends right now but at the same time i want someone to listen to what i say.
i mainly don't know what to do right now, it feels like i'm stuck and the future is a huge question mark. i used to only think about the past and how things hurt me, but now i only worry about the future and it's making it hard to live in the present. sure, on one hand it's better that i don't think about the past anymore, but on the other why can't i just live? i don't wanna do anything all day, i just wanna rot in my house and i don't like it. i wanna have fun with my friends, go to parties, smoke weed, get drunk, but none of that is happening right now and it's because we're all so busy. by that i mean they are busy. i'm not even putting work in uni rn. it feels wrong, i know i'm wrong, but idk i just can't bring myself to study and work on stuff, it's uninteresting. and maybe you'd think "oh, just change major!" well it's not so simple.. we spent money for this course, obviously, and i really don't want to waste it, so i must try. i know i'm not doing much but i should and i'll probably try a bit harder once the holidays officially end. anyways, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i only wanted to vent somehow (still, not posting this as a diary, maybe someone could relate or smth). have a great day