ramblings

it's been.... healing. more natural than I expected. I was raised by a religious mom who only talked about the bible when bad things were happening, and a dad who said he'd touched every religion but didn't hold himself to one. all of that lead to a lot of.... restrictions. they didn't say I couldn't be with girls, but dad's homophobia was obvious if you knew how to see between the lines. mom's is much more fear based. and it's not like their marriage is very.... happy. so how could I ever talk to them about this? not that Im talking to them at all... 

but... love isnt a finite resource. it doesnt run out. you cant give too much. and I was always told I was "too much". 

so to have a husband who fully supports me, in all way, especially this, is.... mind-blowing. he ENCOURAGES me! he believes in me more than anyone..

flirting with women (meaning AFAB, female presenting and the occasional nonbinary person) is terrifying. like middle school sweaty hands scary. I just accepted that men might find me attractive, now people I find beautiful? hahahaha not possible. but... it is. 

it hasn't lead to a relationship yet, but beautiful conversations and continuing to learn about myself. like how I might also be demisexual. like how Im much more interested in a relationship than experimenting

between this and my witchcraft journey it feels like... finding me again. like taking back all the rules and regulations and restricions and finding myself underneath it all. and that person is pretty damn cool. and Im proud of them. something I couldnt allow myself to be for a long time. maybe because I wasnt being myself. 

either way, Im happy. like... really and truly happy. down to my soul. and thats everything