gender binary self reflection ramble 1

coming to terms with the fact that me trying to fit in with gender binaries over the course of the last 10 years repetitively was one of the worst experiences i have ever been through and thats saying alot. i guess i kind of like, altered my brain a little bit negatively while i was trying to either be z or y, because i kind of dislike the label of nonbinary as it just seems so.. empty to me? but theres no other conclusion i can come to other than what it is :shrug:.. i guess i can try to bend and shape it to where it fits me as i did when i was ciscoping as a female//forcing myself into the male binary x__x i guess its just weird to me identifying with something so loosely fitted and freeform when ive always had gender specific things to try and uphold to say to people "no no! im a girl!" or "im a guy!, heres proof!" whilst you dont really need to do anything besides .. exist.. when you arent inside a binary. it is odd though. like, i want to sound like a guy and look like a guy but i dont want to be a guy- and i want to keep a feminine body like a female (genitalia and breasts aside, that seems to flipflop a little too often for comfort :p) and i dont mind being viewed as a female socially in conversation- but i dont want to be a girl. i kind of just want tooooooo exist? as neither? and i know i can always go labeless but me, personally, i need a label and thats just how it is for me. thats cool if other people dont though, but i do. ok ramble over bye ill orobably make another topic like this in the future tbh