Practicing self gratitude

I’ve grown into a negative person filled with a lot of self hatred held within my heart, but recently I have been trying to be grateful for myself and who I am. A lot of times, I wish I could just start life over.. have a reset button, or become someone else entirely and dump all of my life problems somewhere I don’t have to deal with them. Deep down, I am grateful for myself though; even if I wanted to be someone else everything I’ve thought and felt and experienced up to this point has been uniquely my experience and all the things I cherish about the life I have now would vanish if something happened to it. 

There are a lot of things I like about myself and I try to remind myself of that whenever I can, how I treat myself can manifest in treatment of others and when I see myself being kinder to myself it also translates into my interactions with others. I don’t want to be a nasty and mean person. I’ve just wanted to be accepted, I’m so scared of rejection that I make myself get rejected on purpose because it hurts less if I do it on purpose.. I guess it’s like a control tactic, so I can feel in control of my own isolation because it hurts less being a pariah that way. It’s a pyrrhic victory though, it just leads to self destruction eventually.

I’m combating PTSD and depression and while it’s hard, I will work even harder to conquer it and become the best version of myself I can be. I hold maturity to a high standard and I want to grow and learn to love again, I feel like everything has been so bleak lately—as if I have lost zest for life itself. Being in a positive headspace is good; but it’s also hard and to be frank, draining. Even if things come my way I’ll try my best to stay afloat in the sea of sorrow.