🎶Keli🎶's profile picture

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Category: Life


I have decided that, some days, ignorance actually WOULD be blissful. I was replying to a comment on a post I made, and I concluded that being mentally ill AND self-aware is kind of a double edged sword. Sometimes I wish I wasn't SO aware of what's going on in my head... because I KNOW half of what goes on in my mind sounds crazy or paranoid or scary. I work hard to make sure I keep all that INSIDE my head, and that it doesn't escape my mouth. It's exhausting, and stress inducing. On rare occasions, when I am having a manic episode, I tend to be, like, mega impulsive and very flighty. There have been times, when I could see myself about to do something stupid or crazy or reckless.... and it was like the sick part of my mind made the damn decision before my more rational, aware part had time to react. It's been a long time since I had an episode like that, though. Similar, less serious stuff has happened, however.
I just need a break from myself once in a while, I guess... from the shitstorm that's going on in my head half the time. I'm not in any danger, though. I'm powering through the best I can, for my kids. I am NOT in therapy OR on meds, currently... My insurance took one for the team when Moved from Arkansas to Minnesota and Medicaid is taking it's sweet time to fix it. But, I AM taking care of myself, and coping the only ways I know how. My coping skills are rusty, but I'm gonna be ok.
I am, by NO means, saying that I am not responsible for my screw-ups, bad decisions, and being an overall embarrassment to most of my family and a few of my friends. There's no excuse for some of the crap I've done, and I KNOW that. But, when a lot of the bad decisions and screw-ups were happening, I didn't know or have any idea how messed up/sick my mind really was. I wasn't diagnosed until I was, like, 25. So, I still carry every, single bit of guilt for it all... Even the stuff that I KNOW was beyond my capability to handle at the time. And although I should try to let some of it go... My mind won't let me. My heart won't let me. Guilt absolutely eats me alive.
95% of this post is only referring to bipolar disorder, not any of my other diagnoses. I also have PTSD & ADD. I learned to live with attention deficit a long time ago, though.
I don't know why I'm still typing... I feel like like I'm talking this to death. Guess I just REALLY needed to vent some. This all gets so... frustrating. I know I'm not alone, though. Everyone I know has issues & problems & drama of their own... and let's be real---NONE of us are getting out alive.
(Apologies for the dark humor, but, aside from being extremely self-deprecating, it's kinda my thing)

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