Jan 2024 Diary

3 - Wed

Today was the last day of Christmas/New Years break and that makes me feel really depressed. I enjoyed isolating myself and being able to do basically whatever the fuck I wanted as long as I wasn't bothering anyone. I'm really gonna miss this because I don't think I've been this happy in a long time. I'm finally learning to appreciate my isolation. I don't want to go back to school and have to deal with people that I know hate me. I hate having to put on this fake happy act in front of everyone just to stop myself from accidentally ruining everyone's cheerful mood. My social battery drains so fast and by the middle of the week I feel like a zombie. I'm only going to this damn school so I can become a psychiatrist but do I even want to become one? Or did I just pick a high paying job dealing with topics that interest me to make my family happy? I think about that subject a lot even though I'd prefer not to. This week will be a short week though, only 2 days compared to the five so hopefully that can ease me back into the hell that is getting up early to waste hours of my day to eventually slave away like all the wagies out there.

4 - Thurs

Today was okay. It started off horribly though, as today was my first day back to school after a break. I felt like I was being watched like a bug being held under a magnifying glass, not being able to move yet still being able to feel eyes follow me wherever I go, criticizing and taking note of my every move. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack at some point, and when more people came it and it got louder it almost got too unbearable, I felt like everyone was watching me uncomfortably sit in place while they kept getting louder, purely just to spite me. I did have my headphones tho, so that made things suck less.

The day was not that eventful besides from the morning, just a boring and (soon to be) repetitive day of school that I'll just have to get used to until the next semester (or rather year).

I did get to end my day playing some Persona 5 tho, currently just entered Madarame's castle and I really like Yusuke so far, even though he just got introduced, I see a lot of myself in him in a way. Can't really describe it. Just planning to end the day on a chill and calm note so I can at least have some peace in between my anxiety caused by school.

5 - Fri

I'm SO FUCKING GLAD that today's Friday. Even though my week was only two days it felt horrible. I feel like I've been going down on a downward spiral these last two days because of school and it doesn't help that certain things (or rather people) can trigger even worse reactions for me. My emotions are always either nonexistent or 10x what they normally should be and it's so fucking exhausting and I've felt like I was on the verge of tears all week. 

On a lighter note, Persona 3 Reload is coming out on February 2nd and I'm excited! I'm currently playing P5 and I'm really enjoying it (even though my progress is slow and I'm only just now starting the second castle even after 20 hours of play time) so I'm pretty pumped for P3 Reload. Even though that means I have to save up money so I can buy it once it releases (which is hard considering my lack of self control) but I know it'll be worth it in the end!

6 - Sat

I slept for most of the day and I used my new 2-in-1 steamer and rice cooker. I made some teriyaki salmon and rice and then I made some chocolate bao buns as a dessert, I loved the teriyaki salmon and rice but I wasn't a big fan of the bao buns, I think it's because of the chocolate maybe. I think I should make some savory ones next time.

Today was uneventful and I was not productive at all. I'm feeling pretty depressed today, I don't want to go back to school.