thoughts from 5:14 (just a vent)

i feel so dirty. like im not supposed to be here in the way i am. i dont do school, i dont eat right, and my hygene is bad. im likely going to try and end my life tonight. i wrote notes a few months ago while i was still in school. as badly as id like to get better i feel like i have no one actively in my corner, i never have. growing up with a brain that works differently than everyone you know already feels isolating. "youre doing it wrong, why do you act like that?" is so much worse experiencing than it sounds. ive never unmasked, i dont know how to be who i am. i know who i am, but i cant figure out how to do it because ive been so forced to hide it to avoid being difficult my whole life. my whole life being based off my 13-17 year old self is horrible fr me, the school system im in does not work for me. i was going to do school to catch up over holiday break, but i found out my uncle passed just days before. im always doing other things than school because i think too much when i am and i hate that. i genuinely enjoyed going to school until my grades went down and being mentally ill truly affected me. i have my mama around but i dont live with her, itd be so much better if i did. my grandmother doesnt gaf about the reality of mental health, and likely hates the way i act; i wish i could be better for her sake but i cant. i run on routine but i cant get myself on one rigth now so it sucks so much. thats all i have to say tonight. this wasnt for anyone concern, just my point of view from life right now. if it matters, ill do my best to stay through the day at the least