hmmmm

for the past few years, i feel like i havent been growing up fast enough. im now 15 years old but i whenever ppl ask i still say 13 by accident before correcting myself. sometimes i intentionally refuse to look in the mirror because i know the body i'll see will a bit to developed for a 13 yr old girl.

i know its dumb to worry about something like that. but ive been acutely aware of the passage of time lately. Sometimes i acctualy cry at the end of the day because i i know 21/9/2023 will never come back again even thiugh i didt do anything special that day.

im scared of losing things and time isnt something i can stop so to reduce the numbr of times i physically breakdown i purposefully ignore the clocks and calendars in the house and on my phone, i end up covering my ears when someone asks for the date because i dont want to hear the response but even hearing the questionsometimes sends me into a spiral

seeing the fireworks on new years with my family might have killed me i think if we had actually gone to the top of the hill we usually go to and heard people talk about memories or other such stuff. but we didnt, we stayed home this time because my sister injured her foot and we didnt want to make her climb.

and time feels like its moving so quicky i genuinely scared sometimes that im going to die in the next few weeks not that im sick or anything just an unfounded superstitious feeling

maybe i can distract myself with the fact that this year is likely to have an eclipse and eclipses are cool

ive not given up on the house, the new years mood has just had me in a slump. ill be back later i think

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