3 january 2024

 Hello :] welcome to my first blog on this account! i ran one like this before but deleted it at some point, i didnt have hope for a future btw, just deleted a bunch of stuff bcz i thought i was gonna finally fucking kill myself. my blogs r usually shittily written with bad grammar but noone acc reads them anyways, so it doesnt matter. hope whoever u are u enjoy reading about my miserable life lolll these r usually really cringe but i have nobody at all that i can talk to, cuz nobody wants to listen

typing this after a fight w bf. im so fucking sick of this you have no idea, i genuinely dont understand why he is like this, i mean i guess i do understand, but idk. it was a rly stupid fight, over practically nothing. For background context me and my bf have been tg for a year now and broke up like 3 times, for months. we fight all the time over really stupid shit. he broke up with me each time, i havent left him once. i have bpd(borderline personality disorder), diagnosed but untreated, and my bf is my fp and has been for ages. each time he broke up w me it was like getting a part of me just ripped out, it was awful, but each time he comes back its this euphoric feeling where were the best couple and everythings going great, and then by his own words i am "tiring and exhausting", and he breaks up w me. last time we broke up it was the worst by far, he broke up w me after a month of just lying through his teeth that he loved me for sure, and when he was breaking up w me he told me upright "i dont love you anymore" i mean i could tell before he did it, he made it a little obvious, but whenever i asked if hes sick of me hed just say no and assure me that he loves me. i believed him, i mean im the crazy one and he knows what hes talking about so its fine. but yea no he broke up w me anyways and it honestly hit me like a brick, except it wasnt a brick, it was a huge brick wall that fell down on top of me like those pianos in cartoons. b4 that he broke up w me literally for a girl he met for a week, when me and him were already tg for months. it sucked. but enough about the past stuff! back to today, so basically i have raging bpd and i just honestly want nothing more then reassurance from the most important person in my life. and i mean td i was the one who started the fight, i didnt mean for it to be a fight i just felt really awful and mentioned to him that i look bad, he told me "its tiring telling u that u look fine. so i just wont anymore. u never believe me anyways" it  hurt a lot to be honest,, i hate being told that im tiring so bad, i honestly didnt think it bothered him until today. few hours later he said im too comfortable with him, he said that out of the blue. and he said 1 other thing which i dont wanna mention on here. but yea, build up of stuff and then in the evning, or night i guess, its 4:04am as im typing this, but yea it just made me break down and i said i feel awful, honestly all i wanted was him to be there for me, but he just brushed it off and said he doesnt wanna deal with me. idk, am i really that tiring to deal with ? and i mean like i left, but its just been torturing me, because i feel like its gonna end up exactly like last time, when he broke up w me after i exhausted him too much. i asked about it way later on and he got mad i guess? but idk, he said later he wasnt mad, and he said he can feel things without actually being pissed at me, but i think thats a lie. he was clearly telling me off, saying im tiring and wont listen, saying its stupid that i feel like this, saying its stupid that im questioning our relationship. i mean, would you not? ur bf broke up with u 3 times, one of which was cuz u exhausted him, and now hes saying ur exhausting him, u wouldnt be worried? idk. and he said "i know its a symptom to react worse to the bad stuff then to the good stuff" reffering to my bpd. i mean thanks i guess? i remember having to literally beg him to even look up the illness, he only did about 11 months into our relationship. it sucks cuz its clear he doesnt understand or care enough to understand i guess. idk. i wish i didnt have it so bad, it ruins everything. i mean this whole argument was literally caused by me,  im the reason this happened. i wish i could just be normal lolll . i really do love him, hes genuinely a great person but it just hurts me sometimes, cuz i know theres literally nothing i can do, it doesnt even need to be his fault and i get mad or upset anyways. i wish my brain just worked normally. why do i have to be cursed w this lol??? i cant tell if hes gonna leave me again or not, he says hes not gonna leave but he said that last time and still left me,, i dont know what to do with myself 

after we stopped arguing he told me this isnt my fault that i focus on the negative stuff but he said i can fix it and do things to help me manage it. but idk. i dont wanna manage it for some reason? i wonder if its normal to feel like this but i dont wanna get better. i fucking hate being ill and i hate every single horrible thing that comes with this curse of a mental illness but somehow i just dont wanna get better. i hate sufferring but its so much easier then having to try and do better and try and fix myself,, it isnt my mess to fix, i dont want to deal with it either? id rather just kill myself at some point and just keep being miserable until that wonderful day lolll

idk what to do w my life anyways, im failing at everything, i have no hobbies, barely any friends(who could give less of a fuck about me), no plans, no future, no hopes or aspirations. i dont wanna do anything or achieve anything, i havent achieved anything pretty much ever anyways. 

all i do is go to school, which im finishing in a year, and failing miserably at every subject,, and i go to work. my bf is the only person who bothers to even check if im alive if i dont text first. im supposed to be moving out in a year and going to college,, i dont even wanna do college, i dont know what degree id want if i wanted one and idk what i wanna do with my life. i dont want to do pretty much anything, i wish i was dead like constantly and i doubt id be able to keep going even if i tried to. 

im gonna have to stfu for today cuz its 4:40am now and ur girls gonna sleep for like 20 hours lol, goodnight :]