dear diary

gonna start using this as my public diary hehe... anyway

Jan 1st, 2024

Today is monday.. okayyy? cool i guess. anyway, im trying to feel alive again. I think I need to keep a diary so that i can atleast fight against the big scary brain fog monster thats trying 2 kill my brain. It is currently winter break, started on the 23th all the way until jan 3rd. My birthday was on the 18th, didnt feel special. I turned 16.

 I live in a dorm, so i need to get back there on wednesday already. The day started as any other, it took me a LOT of work to get out of bed. but i did it, and then i succumbed to yet again, then again until it had wiped the soul out of me. Im still trying to recover. I got up at around 2pm and it is about to be 9 already.

 Every morning is the same, it takes me an excruciating amount of hard work to even get up, and then the day begins. Its not even like a slap in the face, its like being in a saw trap trying to get out alive. And then when I finally do, i can still feel the effects still on me. I would say the psychological effects make me feel like shit, but i already feel like it all the time, so i wont blame that on it. However, my heart/chest area hurts a lot when i oversleep. Concerning? Probably, but i wont do anything about it right now. 

It issss.... day 10 of winter break. Ends in 2 days. Feels like its been a century but also has gone by in the blink of an eye. Im trying so desparately feel alive again. havent done any of my missing school work, and theres a big pile of it waiting to be finished that i keep constantly delaying and delaying, digging myself a grave that i then lay and feel miserable in.

 Meanwhile writing all this im trying to figure out what i actually did today, but its pretty hard since im constantly wrestling for the power of my brain against the autopilot. Okay, so i woke up feeling dead already, then took 2 more naps, meanwhile thinking about everything. Its nice to write it down for once. then i tried having lunch and succeeded i think, then i went back to my room. i do remember playing resident evil 4 today for a couple hours, about halfway in i left to visit my grandparents who live close, chatted with grandma, then left again. that was at 6pm. on my way home (10 min walk) i stopped by one of the two shops my shithole of a town has, bought 2 pepita chocolate bars and a 500ml can of Gambrinus that im sipping on while writing this. I didnt have a chance to pick the brand of beer i liked since i was so nervous about even buying it in the first place. but since i look older than i am the cashier sold it to me.

 felt like i was on top of the world while walking home, that maybe life really was worth living. that was, like, 3 hours ago, and now im back to my old miserable self. i should really form some habits for everyday life, so that i actually DO something. because for the past 10 days all ive done was rot in my room and think about blowing my brains out. I wont do it, i dont want to, but i do think about it a lot. how i could just end all of this, but i dont want to. i mean, i was blessed with a chance of living a life in good circumstances. I mean, I live in a safe country, got into my dream school, have the opportunity to do things i like, but why do i feel like shit all the time? it must be the evil monster possessing my brain. makes me live on autopilot, except i dont actually do anything,

 I exist. I dont live, I exist, and have once lived, but not anymore. Something screwed up along the way and now im dead. and i need to fight the autopilot in order to be free. its hard. its the only thing concerning me that i dont actually know how to do. I mean, I do know a lot of things, and I know what I dont know. If i wanted, or, needed, to know them, I do know how to learn them. Its a really powerful thing, and I have been taking it for granted my entire life. now theres an obstacle, a thing that i dont know how to solve, and its slowly tearing apart my life. im lost, and i need guidance. I will try to blog like this more often in order to combat the autopilot.