just something I wrote on my notes app late at night

 I say I don’t give a fuck and I was proud the fuck that I wouldn't have given won’t haunt me because I never gave it in the first place. But sometimes deep in the dark of nights, I just be overthinking, and “What If” scenarios pop up in my mind like storyboards for a movie. What IF I gave that fuck? who would I be now if I did give that fuck? What would have changed if I took the time to give the fuck to the next person? Like it’s becoming a duality between being a good person and giving a fuck but also wanting to never even think about giving that fuck to the person. Giving a fuck about a situation is time-consuming when it doesn’t improve your well-being. You may find it selfish for me, not to think of other people's well-being when they are pulling me over to try to get me to give a fuck, trying to grasp onto any type of sympathy I may have for your situation but I can’t….

I am truly the one that comes first. And when my brain makes the scenarios I truly sit and think is, my brain against me, is my brain wanting to give a fuck, as a human it’s normal to give empathy when needed to a certain person of course. But in this instance, I had the toughen up as a person. And realize if I were to have given a fuck, it would have put me through a rabbit, hole of stress, anxiety, and delusion. but everything can be fixed by minding your business and staying in your lane. No matter how much a person wants to stray you off your path and give you a first ticket to the “omg I’m so sorry that happened to you” train.

I am now stuck up like a roach in a sticky glue trap with all the other roaches that are also trapped. When I could have been a beautiful butterfly free from stress with my colorful shade of IDGAF demeanor, as a deterrent from empathy-hungry vultures ( kind of like how a butterflies, bright colors tells a predator how poisonous they are). I think sometimes empathy can become a form of poison for some and they just don’t realize it but it’s a very addictive poison. People who aren’t strong enough to void the hungry attention-seeking people contract the poison, which causes them to have these negative effects of stress, anxiety, sadness, and even guilt sometimes. But all can be avoided with I don’t give a fuck demeanor. You always come first in a situation and I think some people forget that…

(Interrupt the meanings and purpose of my words as you want but just know there's a goal to have a perspective to help those that are constantly people pleasing to those that would forget your name in a heartbeat, especially over the internet. Ask yourself "Would this person scratch my back as much as I did there's? Did they overthink as much as I did with every request that I may have torn my brain apart trying to say the word "no", in fear of a friendship ending?". And, this analogy of questions can fit into any situation a person may go through on a day-to-day basis.)