the end of 2023

beware, i get edgy and kinda vent-y in here 

i don't like things coming to an end. it means change, and I'm the person who cried when my family had to replace a sink faucet when i was 8. maybe it can also be connected to my fear of death. death is just life coming to an end anyways

a year coming to an end never feels that important. it's treated like it means there'll be another beginning but nothing really changes. but this year I dunno. i'm so anxious about 2023 ending. it means my last half of junior year where i've gotta start looking at colleges and probably more importantly something that i want to do for the rest of my life. i don't want to make that kind of commitment. see, now i'm contradicting the whole thing where i hate change. but i want some variety in my life! i don't want to be stuck unhappily for years and years!

it also means i'm going to have to get a job. no one would hire me last year because i was too young, but i can't walk into a business without my mom getting on my back about applying for a job there. I'm a regular Peter Pan, not wanting to grow up and all, but at the same time i can't wait to get out of here

2024 is going to be the last full year with my friends. suddenly i won't be seeing people i've known and been friends with for over a decade every day of my life. we'll all go off to new places and meet new people and maybe even stop talking. i don't want that though. i've had the same friend group since kindergarten, and i'm just gonna have to move on? sometimes i think like i'm the only one that isn't ready for it to end even though it's probably not true.

i feel like i'm stuck in a swamp full of mud and i'm just going to keep sinking. i don't have a purpose. i so desperately want to make an imprint on the world (doesn't everyone?) but as i keep sinking the light will fade and i'll live a pointless life in a career that isn't what i want or need and then eventually i'll retire most likely alone and lonely and die. and then in a few decades, no one will remember me at all. i'll just be another skeleton buried into the earth since birth.

i wish i could have someone to talk to so badly. i have my friends but they're not the types to get all emotional with me. i don't even know how people form relationships like that. i feel so out of place. like everyone else in the world was handed a guide book and i just have to wing it. god, this is so cheesy. i don't know what i'm saying. if i were smart at all i'd keep this private or even write it in my own fucking diary but it's 2 am on new years eve and i couldn't really care less