ew pls go away 2024 kill me

blog wtffffff guys i love that i have a blog this is so weird anyway so i realise i acc didnt say what i did on my birthday so sorry to fucking no one bc only tillie read it since i made her and shes my only spacehey friends but it was rly good and i had sm fun. realistically my life is actually fucking great, compared to a lot of other people's lives. and i know i've known this for years but the only real problem in my life is me. being around certain people upsets me? thats because i'm either jealous of them, posessive over my interests, am being a huge fucking pushover or ive literally just for some other reason built up a reason to feel like shit 'because of them' and be bothered by them. and whatever else idk a lot of the things i struggle with are probably because im autistic which isnt necessarily my fault but like still it's not anyone else's fault it's still only coming from ME. so i know that i have no one and nothing to blame to not be happy and like idk maybe i am happy and just dont like to realise it but like ughh idk shut the fuck up frey. i wish i was so many things but im just not and here i've been given this great life and i'm just going to ruin the whole thing. i dont feel excited about the future or the present and i feel sad about the past because a. i hate myself and b. it didnt last forever and that upsets me. iwannabe4iwannabe4iwannabe4. and just right now i have realised tomorrow is nye meaning i have one day left in 2023. im 15, its gonna be 2024 wtf is happening. WHY AM I NOT LIVING. and i'm thinking i need to watch tiktok less because finally i'm giving in and realising that actually its making all of our attention spans shorter and wasting so much time and my life is fucking passing me by i cannot afford to just waste it all watching tiktok because im fucking it all up but at the same time, fucking WHAT up??? what is IT. everything about my life seems so pointless what am i doing here. (totally a radiohead reference. but i just think my life makes no sense to me and everyday i feel less and less in control of myself because i can never be whatever tf it is that i wanna be unless i try and i dont know how to try, i'm not a tryer. like apprently i'm good at writing, an i think i am too tbh and i have interests like philosophy and psychology but im too much of a fucking waste of life to even do anything about that i mean i know i'm only 15 but like what the fuck when did it get to 15 and its all so long and so short and i dont know how to do it right everyday it feels less and less natural to just be a person because when i actually do have motivation like i dont feel like myself, or like im real. and everytime i do something and it isnt documented somewhere its like did it even happen does it even matter. and how do i be like good at school and living but also think i'm cool. i dont know how to be who i wanna be. who is that??? anyway fuck 2024 i cant deal. TIME WONT STOP HAPPENING. and im growing up too fast and too slow and i think maybe sometimes i just need to stop and be a little kid for a bit because she didnt give a fuck she didnt know anything but she didnt need to know and i need to know it all i need someone to tell me how to do it because I DONT KNOW. social media is defo recognising us and i think now is the first time i'm ready to admit that to myself. i think social media made me WANT to be sad and that might be part of why i dont know how to function anymore. but im not sad lately, i'm quite happy. and i feel like idk who that is. so so confused. oohhhhhhh teenage girlism i want to die why is no one telling me the instructions to life listen here is some life advice to the people that arent reading this rn bc im delusional, be a fucking kid. stop judging people for watching kid shows or being like arent you too old for that? because sometimes all i need when im upset is to eat some fucking cut up fruit, watch topsy and tim or my little pony, cuddle my teddy and colour in until i cant be arsed moving anymore. just to talk like i'm 4 years old feels so comforting sometimes. sometimes when i talk it feels like im forcing myself to say things and in a certain way because i probably am and yes talking like im 4 is not my real voice but it feels easier than everything else. its okay to be little. i am little. my baby tillie is little. i dont want to cut up my own food and do whatever people my age do sometimes i just want to be loved and taken care of and given back the opportunity to actually not care what the meaning of my life is because i'm there and i'm having fun. but i do care i really fucking care and i'm so confused and sometimes i feel so seperate from other people and i know they don't know what they're doing either but how are they making it look so easy? where are the rules. ps watch 13 going on 30 it made me happy i want people to embrace childhood in their adult lives. my brother called me weird because i watched my little pony when i was overwhelmed on holiday and it upsets me that he doesnt even know how sad it made me. i dont want people to think i'm weird anymore. i dont know how to be better. baby freyfrey was better. i feel so confused in my life i want my simple life back. i want it to be okay that i cry about everything or that i dont know how to do things someone pls make it okay thankyou love from freya. also ps every year i'm like this year i'll think i'm cool this year i'll like the way i am and i never do and now i'm like what do i even want? i want nothing i dont like being a person it makes me confused and upset . if no one can make childhood last forever then i refuse to exist. i boycott teenage years, adult years, elderly and maybe even older child i want to be so so little with tiny baby hands(ironically i acc have very small hands tbh but thats not what i mean.