When I Was 14

13 years ago I was 14 in eighth grade.  I grew to love the alt fashion sense.  I liked what others really didn't like and what was not mainstream and still do.  I felt more punk due to my rebellion.  At that time I was rebelling against my peers because of how they'd all treat me.  I didnt wanna do what they were doing.  So I sadly skipped the scene hair and clothes and stayed punk, but I always knew I aas a little but of the best of both worlds and this was a time when I would not have been accepted for what I wore or how I dressed only by peers, family would have looked at me a little crazy.  It's like I had to look at the some ol person in the mirror everyday and I found out this is becoming popularized again and that thrills me because I never quite grew out of it.  I have been undergoing treatment for my mental health, so that helps me to be able to communicate, especially more to my mom and at the time when I thought she would kind of look at me funny she's actually been nothing but excepting so I was actually scared to talk to my own mom, because of how introverted I really was about what I wanted to wear all of it and looking back I probably shouldn't have been. 

     I never self harmed like everyone claimed all of them did.  That is a stereotype.  I never pries into someone else's business, but if they wanted advice, I'd talk to them and tell them based off what they said, if they wanted to have someone that'd listen then I would.  I'd ask how rhey were doing and check on their wellbeing afterward.  I would see later most of them really didn't follow my advice which did annoy me because why waste my time and yours when you arent gonna follow advice it was merely for trash talk and to possibly suck me into drama I wanted no business being apart of and it was something so innocent.  So I would immediately unfriend or block these people and then later it was including anymore who was involved with them as well because I wasn't gonna deal with that.  It wasn't until my friend Danialle moved to town and I saw she did it, thought it was cool so I wanted to and this was before I knew I was mentally ill.  I hadn't had all the thoughts of SH then and when she abruptly quit being friends with me, I stopped so I knew who my outlet was to that type of thing.  The thoughts of unaliving were there and it got worse by 2016 and then by 2017 & 2018 I was having meltdowns in small spurts left and right.  Luckily by 2022 I was able to start treatment.  It had a lot to do with who I was allowing to have access into my life and who I was calling a friend so I tossed a lot of people out of my life and by 2021 I was filtering like you wouldn't believe only getting more strict with my filtering by 2022.  So now going into 2024, the second someone shows me their red flags and consistently keep on doing it, I will cut you off quicker than I will my own hair or flesh you know what I mean? I had to grow to know my own self worth which was deprived from me since I was 3 years old at the hands of my brothers' children and stepchildren and my peers.  My mother tried to make it stop and sadly no one would listen so it would escalate.  My boundaries are rock solid and I had to learn to talk to narcissists without reacting (a lot easier said than done) So I now have a poker face.

     If you like scene or emo styles and fashion I an not saying don't go for it, but don't get all too involved in a way you start self destructing and be cautious who you become friends with.  Anyone who wants to believe false negatives about you are not your friends and anyone who wants to smear campaign which is basically smear campaigning to get people to not like you, then those are sadly not your people either your friends influence your life in more ways than one, so be cautious of who your friends are the first five people that you hang out with her either gonna influence your life for the worse or for the better and that has been proven over time a lot of us when we were 13 and 14 did not want to believe that but it is very true the first five people you hang out with are going to influence your life for the worst, or for the better and I can personally tell you where I'm at versus were the people I used to hang out with their lives and where they're at today or on two different levels of standing.  because they've always been on a slow road to self destruction me I came away from it and I do what I can to promote healthier options, choices, decisions, behaviors, and language, because there's others that go through the same thing I did, and if not worse, it may be a little bit better but still need that driving force to say I got you, I see you, and I hear you.  And usually the hardest decisions are usually the correct ones.  The right decision is not always going to be easy.