Wrote a story, hope u enjoy <33 [tw for death and big emotions]

< >The outside wind welcomes itself into my room, swirling through the open window and past the dull grey curtains. As the icy breeze runs over my skin, it feels calming and pleasant. The smell outside slowly seeps into my room as well, like sweet pine and fresh rain. I finally open my eyes and sit up; rain is lightly blowing through the window, and I can see a heavy fog sticking to the ground outside. 

I start to look around for my beautiful Lacy, I see her sleeping in my desk chair, a true princess. Standing up I call out, “Lacy? Come here, girl.” My elderly cat, Lacy, with a near-perfect white coat and little pink nose, takes graceful steps towards me. “Good morning, are you ready for breakfast yet?” I ask while scooping her up in my arms, she meows at me in protest of this but doesn’t try to escape. I walk with her to the kitchen, laying her on the counter and grabbing her bowl and food from a kitchen cabinet. “Here you go princess,” I say as I put a scoop of food in her bowl and slide it towards her, she doesn’t even look. I’m almost out of her food, maybe two more bowls worth in the box. I let out a sigh before leaning onto the counter and playing with Lacy’s ears. 

Two days ago, the vet told me she doesn’t have much longer, two pain-filled weeks maximum. I don’t want my beautiful girl to suffer, so no matter how painful it is to lose her, she has an appointment to get euthanized at 2:30. Until then, I’m going to stay with her, give her treats, and hold her close. “Lacy, come here, have a treat,” I say as I pull the box of treats from the cabinet and Lacy slowly walks towards me, her steps slow and wobbly. Lacy has been getting weaker, yesterday she wouldn’t move or eat her food. She looks pained and scrawny; she is losing more weight every day. 

Looking at the clock I realize just how late I woke up, it’s 12:36, almost 5 hours later than I usually do. Leaving Lacy to sleep, I walk to my bathroom to get a quick shower, leaving the door cracked even though I have no hope that Lacy will follow me like when she was young. Just the thought of leaving her alone in the kitchen, being separated when I’m going to lose her so soon, it hurts so much. A hot shower should clear my mind and calm me down, help me relax. 

When I get into the shower, I can’t help but cry, falling to my knees. Tears spill down my cheeks, my throat tightens, and my lungs are burning. My tears feel hot, burning me as they run down my face. It’s hard to breathe as I shake on the shower floor, I can hear the running water that hides my quiet sobs from Lacy. Letting the too hot water run over me, slowly calming as I focus on the new, painful, sensation. I let the pain take over my senses, it grounds me, distracting me from the new feeling of pain Lacy brings me. I haven’t even lost her yet, why am I feeling like this? 

Getting up and scrubbing my body hurts, the water leaves my skin red and itchy, but I feel better than before. The hot water pouring over me was almost like an escape from what I was feeling, the pain overtaking my senses and mind, blocking out my emotional anguish. 

Putting clothes over my red and blistering skin is awful, I can see myself in the mirror, grimacing as the fabric moves along my achy red skin. I feel so far away, the pain is so foggy and distant like it’s muffled by a wall. I see the way my face contorts and scrunches, but it doesn’t feel painful, it’s just warm. 

Seeing Lacy on the counter breaks my heart even more, she isn’t sleeping, just lying there unable to move. The clock reads 1:27, I didn’t realize I had spent so long in the shower. With only thirty minutes until Lacy’s appointment, I put her favorite blanket in her carrier and placed a small bag of her favorite treats into the pocket on the side. “Lacy, time to go,” I say softly as I pick her up and set her in the carrier, she doesn’t make a sound. 

Setting her carrier in the passenger seat and buckling it into place I pet her back and kiss her head. I walk around the car and get into the driver’s seat, buckling before twisting the key to start the car. When the engine purrs to life I take out my phone and pull up directions, setting it in the phone holder on my dash. I pull out of the apartment parking lot and then begin the ten-minute drive. 

Ten minutes feels too long when you’re driving your pet to get put down, I only realized this when I pulled into the parking lot after what felt like hours. Taking her carrier out of the car feels so wrong, knowing that she will never come home again hurts me. But she’s in pain, she hasn’t been able to eat for three days, she is seriously ill. This is what’s best for her, this is the only right thing to do. 

We checked in fifteen minutes ago, I pulled her out and she slept on my lap as they called for us, “We’re ready for,” a pause as they read her name, “Lacy!” The old woman at the front desk gives me a somber smile and nods as I pick up Lacy in one arm and her carrier in the other, walking towards the nurse who called for us. 

They have the room prepped, an ugly and uncomfortable wooden chair sits next to a metal table with a pee pad on it. The walls are plain, the whole room is bleak, and I wish my Lacy could die somewhere beautiful. I sat in the chair and set her on the pad, holding her paws and petting her head, I tried to give her a treat, but she just looked me in the eyes. 

I think she knows what’s happening, she was always smart. As the doctor preps the needle, I pull her closer, “Sleep well Lacy,” I say quietly. Holding her already weak body in my arms, I watch as the vet gently sticks her with the needle, pressing the plunger before stepping away. My Lacy gives a twitch before she moves deeper into my hold. I held her for less than one minute before she fell limp. 

Five minutes after the injection I am still holding my Lacy, I have not shed a tear, I am being strong for her. The vet steps close and gently presses her stomach in three spots before stepping out of the room. 

Ten minutes after the injection I am still holding my Lacy, she is limp in my arms and I will not let go, I will not leave my Lacy alone. The vet came in to check on me and see if I was okay. 

Twenty minutes after the injection I am still holding my lacy, she has long been limp and her warmth is fading. The vet came in to ask if I wanted to keep the body for burial or pay to cremate it. 

Thirty minutes after the injection I am still holding my Lacy, she is limp and cold, and there is no more life left in her frail body. The vet came in to tell me that I must leave soon. As I pick up Lacy’s lifeless body, I start to notice everything I never did before. My lacy, once plump and energetic, is now a frail bony cat, her limbs dangle under her as I carry her away. Her white fur is patchy in spots and messy from her inability to groom herself in recent days. Her pink nose, usually wet and sniffing around, is now a dull grey-pink, dried out by her dehydration. 

Being carried in my arms out of the vet’s office is Lacy, but not my Lacy, she is gone forever. 

The drive home feels so much longer than the drive there, each foot takes hours to pass. Lacy in my arms, holding her against my chest, tears are rolling down my cheeks. Tears that burn, just like before. I need release, I want to go home and feel the shower sear my skin again, I crave the ache again. I’m still so far from home though, just a little faster, I just need to get home. In my irrational rush to get home, I keep thinking ‘The speed limit is only 50 miles per hour, going 60 wouldn’t be much different.’ I press the gas and watch my speed climb to 65 miles per hour. ‘It’s the same,’ I think to myself, but I know it’s not. 

The roads and their surroundings fly past me, I’m sure I’ve gone past my apartment, but the rush is amazing. I have no care for myself or those around me, I found the outer edges of town, and now I’m driving at 90 miles per hour. I know I shouldn’t, but the adrenaline running through my brain is blocking my thoughts, and quiet giggles leave my mouth. All I can think about is how much fun this is, rush and excitement taking over my mind, leaving my logical thoughts far behind. 

Going 90 miles per hour, holding Lacy close, I see something. A small white cat gracefully runs onto the road. Everything hits me at once as I swerve off the road, slamming my car into a tree. My head slamming into the wheel I start to drift off, fading in and out of consciousness. 

Red and blue lights are blinding, my eyes opening and closing, and everything is spinning around me. I see a person come close, and they take Lacy out of my arms. I’m trying to scream, cry, and yell but I can’t move a muscle. My head is fuzzy, and I can’t stay awake, I just want to scream at them to give me Lacy back. 

As my head drops and my eyes shut for the final time, all I can think about is how much I want my Lacy back.