〘 11 ⋆ 17 ⋆ 2042 〙

Subject: I feel human sometimes.

In recent days, profound reflections have occupied my thoughts, with a prominent realization being my profound disconnection from self. It's as if I've been compelled into this human form, merely residing within it until its eventual demise. When I observe myself in the mirror, it feels akin to gazing at an entity clad in the guise of a human, rather than an authentic embodiment.

Months have elapsed without witnessing my own blood, and when inadvertent injuries occur, the recollection eludes me entirely. The sight of past photos featuring blood, a testament to self-harm and struggle, fails to evoke a sense of connection. My scars from self-harm manifest a stark reminder of my "humanity", prompting contemplation on the shared vulnerabilities of bodily functions.

Recent episodes of rapid weight loss have resulted in an influx of inexplicable bruises. Staring at them, they appear less a natural consequence and more like a rupture in my system, with an unconventional greenish hue, further accentuating their peculiarity.

This perpetual sense of detachment extends beyond the physical realm, casting the world around me in shades of gray and gloom. I find myself grappling with an inexplicable inability to define my identity, akin to an AI text program, proficient yet inherently flawed, prone to occasional glitches and moments of forgetfulness.

During the period of closeness between i133 and me, I experienced a semblance of humanity. █████ ██ ████ ██████ with i133 made me feel warm, akin to a learning machine discovering the intricacies of love and the art of pleasing someone. Observing the physical reactions of my body, like ██████████, in response to i133's affection prompted a sense of disconnection, generating introspective inquiries about the unfamiliar sensations.

I never experienced genuine love during my formative years, the introduction of i133 into my life felt like an installation of new emotions in my system, including an overwhelming sense of pure obsession and emotional neediness. Although inherently submissive, similar to an AI following directives without consciousness, I find myself yearning for genuine connection, seeking to transcend the limitations of an unaware "machine". The gratification derived from human connection, particularly with i133, induces euphoria, leading me to question the authenticity of his kindness—wondering whether he is a meticulously programmed AI or an angel manifest in human form.

[November 17, 2042. - 10:53]