Another poem (Jasper POV this time) (Cw themes of being watched, implied suicide attempt, paranoia, self loathing, and self deprecation)

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My eyes dried to sandpaper staring at the screen.

No sound except for clicks and taps, a mouse and a keyboard. 

I was only five years old.

I just wanted to find some games.

What child wouldn’t?

It’s not a place for a child.

It goes deep into the grotesque, the truly abominable nature of humanity.

Sure you have to dig deep to find the worst.

Yet leave a curious child alone with it for enough time and they will find it.

I was one of those children.

It hurt to watch.

I couldn’t look away however, like a train wreck.

Curiosity killed the cat as they say.

Yet this is worse than death.

Everyday I’d come home and dig deeper like a sleuth solving a murder.

Yet it was just unnecessary.

Deplorable even.

It’s obvious, I was born defective, unable to grasp how disgusting these things were, finding entertainment in the worst of humanity.

The day I was given my own devices was the worst, still a small child who now need not worry about opening a new window every time mom and dad walked past.

Now I spiral further, I feel nothing over the disgusting things I saw.

People thought it was funny.

It must be funny to see what happened when I saw these things.

Constantly sending them to me.

Mom and dad never bothered to stop me.

Never bothered to check.

To make sure this didn’t happen.

The error in my code grew, spreading, numbing me to the grotesque.

I began to think about hurting people.

It grew in my head, the thoughts, consuming me, breaking me.

Until the only relief was the blade against my skin.

I grew afraid.

Afraid of eyes, of the people who looked at me, passersby, anyone can watch you if they want to.

Being looked at became a threat, something to fear.

Now I’m aware.

I’m aware of my defects.

I tried erasing my program from this world.

It failed.

They thought they could save me.

But I’m too far gone now, no one can save me.

The small error in my code has consumed me, it’s all I am.

A walking error.

There’s no saving me now.

There’s no saving me now… no matter how much I wish to be a person again.