winter break of junior year

i look to the side, not in fear or nervousness, not that i know of. we’re perfect together, aren’t we? we were so good to show off, you tolerated my affection and my repulsive need for reassurance. the show stopping when the cameras were on, and, and even then. even then when the cameras were on you were not very nice

i look to the side in fear, avoid the state of someone who scares me deeply. what happens if i fuck up and you leave me.

i look to the side in fear of you not tolerating me anymore, not wanting me, finding me as repulsive as you do warm water.

i look to the side as you speak your words, your mumbled fucking jumbled ass bullshit.

it’s in one ear and incomprehensible, forehead wrinkled in confusion as i glance, oh so subtly up at you. you always hated the height difference. you hated that i was the shorter one. you wanted my height. you wanted my height and my build. what comes of a trans guy with a curvy build and a cis girl with a brick build? a pool of jealousy and anxiety. make it two trans guys. i never minded my height, my siblings tease me for being the shortest but i find myself to be pleasing. i’m happy with myself sometimes, i romanticize the life i live so much i find myself admirable.

but you didn’t like that, did you? you didn’t like what i did, what i played, how i held myself, how i presented myself, the kindness towards your father for letting me stay while i was having it rough at home.

i look to the side in fear of trauma resurfacing as you raise your voice and i cower.

i wonder where it came from, your father does not yell very often. 

but you don’t like him. you can’t be like him. you don’t like me. 

i have to hold myself together, i can’t hold you, i don’t have the energy. calmly,

“please, elaborate”

hands held together behind my back, a glance down at the toes of my shoes and back up at the light. blurry as i blink and look back at you with a beaming smile, comfort. fake. 

“friends, or boyfriends?” i ask after a moment of your mumbles.

you don’t look at me, or you do. i don’t know, i’m not watching your eyes. you scare me, i don’t have anything here. you’re everything to me and i can’t lose you, not now, not out of the blue. what was leading up to this?

it replays in my head, every moment in red tints and happy giggles, every moment until it got bad. i got bad.

i think about the sobs the few nights before, i think about the shaky hands and blurry vision, ironically i thought the glasses would help the vision. but they don’t, not when they’re foggy and wet.

i think about the hatred in my eyes as i looked up, i don’t like looking up, i don’t like mirrors sometimes.

i think back, back to being cis, i think about how you talked about me, i think about the look in your eye and 

i dont. i wasn’t watching. i had my eyes on the fire as my middle school playlist drained out the birds chirps. i don’t know how you talked about me, i couldn’t listen, my cheeks were warm and i pushed the blame onto the bonfire i progressively got closer to.

i think about how the second time i was in front of a bonfire with you, you argued with your father about the candy. i sat silent, switching our candies out and trading the ones i liked with the ones you didn’t like. a bucket half full of peanut butter cups.

i don’t like the texture, chocolate makes me sick and peanut butter is only good on a spoon. the gooey warm melted together makes me squirm. but you weren’t happy with them, you liked the other one. i can’t remember it, i just remember picking those out of my bucket and giving them to you.

a thank you to your dad, small smile and clutching the sleeves of the hoodie you let me borrow.

i remember how it smelled of a bonfire for weeks to come, how it was comforting for a moment. 

i look to the side, the crunchy leaves i once adored, small sparks flying.

i think about the lighter, the sparks that flew and had me out of my chair and shaking. i think of your laughter, your father’s friend’s concerned looks, her scowl at you, i remember the comfort of a female.

i couldn’t see my eyes, i couldn’t see anything as i stared myself down. awful. terrible. i don’t like mirrors sometimes.

“can i fix this in any way?” i ask, a short lived breath a moment following.

you don’t respond for a moment. you had already decided. i can’t help this, i can’t fix this and i’ve done something wrong. quickly, what have i said? what did i change?

‘is this because of what i said about adie? i swear, i promise i can get past it. you can have your- i just didn’t want to be ignored, i felt ignored, i thought i was supposed to tell you these things’ 

‘is it the sex thing? i only mentioned it a few days ago, im sorry i’m getting back, i don’t think about that as much anymore, you know i never did. i can change that’

‘am i not happy enough? i won’t mention it anymore’ i never did mention much though. you never responded when it was about that, so i stopped bringing it up with you. just a simple depression message and you’d avoid me like your warm water.

i dont though, i just

i just plead.

i need something.

i need you.

i need to keep you here.

i need you to love me.

love me like you used to.

is this why you stopped saying i?

it had turned into love you,

something i hadn’t heard before.

even as friends you remembered the i.

was it not about you? 

about me, then?

“there’s truly nothing i can do to fix this?”

“no. i’m sorry, you know i don’t want to hurt you.”

i smile as i nod, looking at your nose, i don’t want to see you.

“but promise you won’t cut me off” you request,

“why would i do that?”

“all of my exes have before.”

“i don’t think i can promise anything, but i’ll need time. to be okay.”

“i didn’t mean to hurt you”

a smile and nod once more. that’s what i’m used to giving you. it was always what i was giving you, my laughter, my smile, my hand to hold, my body, my lips, my warm eyes, my stifled giggles at the tv, my apologies, my nods, my energy, my time, my love

three times i’ve cried in your bed.

one you know of.

maybe i was romanticizing the wrong part of my life, i realize. maybe you aren’t all that. maybe you’re what i know because i don’t, i don’t have anyone outside of you. what happened. where did they all go? i haven’t talked to them in months, what happened, i can’t see them, i can’t

i can’t understand 

what happened 

where did i go?

smitten, i used to write about you with a bubbly feeling

and now i can’t 

i don’t know how 

i really dont

where did i go?

i’m back now