i feel so alone in this world

i dont feel like i really have friends even though i do, i dont see people irl, i just rot in my house until its time to go to work and then i go to work and come back home and rot again. i hope i get to experience community, in a positive way, soon, that'd be nice. i'm tired of long distance and internet friends and i'm tired of feeling like no one can be close to me without me somehow destroying it or them just not caring half as much as i do because why would anyone care about me? why would they? what is there to care about? i'm a husk of a person. well merry christmas lol