complaining again

hi happy holidays merry christmas the holidays always make me upset and heres why <3

1. im home and bored all the time and so isolated and i have no friends here. so all i do is think, and then because all i do is think im always easily agitated and today i just blew up on literally everyone and everything and i feel so awful like i think i just might be the meanest person ever and i get so paranoid about it bc im so so so bitter inside like i try to overcompenssate on the outside but i feell ike it doesnt work at all. like everyone can see right through it and it makes me feel naked because when i die what will they say about me? that i was a really mean person despite trying to hide it and that sucks. i want to be a nice person whos always kind and impartial. SO BAD.

2. i dont like my family and they pretend that they know me when they really dont so it just makes me feel like shit during this entire season. and my dad is literally the worst man alive ever so that just makes it worse. like he actually might be a supervillain and i know tomorrow im gonna get the most guilt trip phone call of all time bc ive been avoiding him.

3. my birthday is also in early january and i feel like everyones going to forget. i dont care if they dont care but id at least like to be treated somewhat like im appreciated by the people i love because i constantly feel inadequate and also like the worst friend in the world. im new to this so idk. i just hope i get a few bday texts. dont even know if i wanna celebrate since my bday kinda just reminds me of how happy my mom would probably be if i was never born. she probably would have gotten married and had a proper family, which is what she always wanted. not just us and a cat. but whatever

4. idk im just tired and feeling alone all the time and i just want to be comforted because i never feel comforted and i feel as though i do a lot to comfort others but just get "real" and "same" in return or straight up ignored, like not to sound ungrateful bc i love everyone im just highly sensitive ans stubborn about asking for support at the end of the day. i have the biggest fear of coming off as annoying ever.

anyways i hope everyone has a really lovely holiday season and gets all the gifts and love they want and need, i know i will somehow! thanks for letting me scream into the void a bit:)