2024

Hello, I'm not sure where to start this letter, it's not really meant for anybody, not to myself either. I just saw a friend do the same thing and wanted to write about how I feel about this Christmas and New Years. 

Nothing

I feel absolutely nothing about it. Not just these two holidays who mark a milestone of another year that you survived and a beginning of resolutions and good memories with your loved ones, in general. I just feel nothing. I know exactly how I will spend this holiday, alone, hidden deep down into my own self. Having to fight these constant thoughts, everytime I try to talk about it, I get dismissed, brushed off, labeled as dramatic and annoying. And I slowly integrated that into my head. What is life to you guys? Is it constantly playing a game of survival and tactics to not make people angry or bothered? Is it registering each one's slight behavior change to secure from the excruciating fear of abandonment? Is it having to deal with your unpredictable moods and thoughts who range from kindness and empathy to rage and despair to apathy and suicide? Is it how life normally works? Is this why I'm being dismissed? I have so many questions to give, but I know I'll be answered with cold silence. I expect the cold silence and yet I still act like a dog. One day I see you as the light of my life, the other the oxygen I breath and 2 seconds later, I see you as nothing. What do people normally do on new years ? Do they drown in their own thoughts ? I dont know, this is the third Christmas I had to miss with my loved ones. I have to stay alone, pretend and carefully display what -they- want, what you want. So that I don't lose people in my life. Since December began, my urges to relapse spiked, my moods became more unstable and my suicidal thoughts filled my mind, sometimes I think about death and I ask myself "should I really do it?" "What if im just overreacting? What if they're right, what If I am dramatic." I don't know how to feel anymore, I lost myself in this process of pleasing people, I lost myself trying to not get kicked out beaten and neglected. I lost myself trying to survive. I've had dreams, hopes, I had a big heart enough to fit everyone in the world, even the sickest villains, but this heart that you once knew, died for a very long time. You never know when im faking being happy and content and when I genuinely mean it because I don't even know when I genuinely mean it. I just ...do what I'm supposed to do, even if I feel dead inside. I have no wishes for this year anymore, maybe I do. But they're buried deep down, they kept being shoved down until they got buried, I feel like someone is trapped inside of me and begging to be brave, to free itself from this and stop moping every day, is it really moping if I feel nothing in the first place? Is it being pathetic and annoying to wish you were never born? Is it? I'm sorry I disappointed you all another year, I wasted another year trying to please people. For 2024, all I wish for is to feel alive again, to feel free again, to feel and touch and love like a human being again. I wish I could wake up and be excited for the unknown instead of waking up fearing for the unknown. I wish I could laugh until I'm out of breath, I wish I could be a hero to those who are silenced, I wish I could share my passion in art and justice, I wish I could be human again. I have no hope to feel or excitement to feel about 2024, I just brace for whatever is coming for me. Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you don't struggle not to end your life on these holiday days like I do. If you relate to what I wrote, I hope you feel human again. And I wish for your happiness and despite the monster destroying my mind, heart and soul. I still have some sweetness and support to give to, if I can't receive it, might as well save someone from offing themself. I always loved helping people, but I never help myself. And that's another habit I want to stop for 2024, I want to help people and help myself. But hey, can I really help myself if myself can be my enemy at any moment? Save yourself. That's my advice for anyone who read until this point. Save yourself and don't look back, it will hurt and sting and bleed and it will not be cool and "girlboss" and it's okay, you will heal. I promise you, you will heal, and I love you all. And I hope you receive the best gifts and the best last nights of 2023. Here's to another year of barely surviving. I don't know if I can hold on any longer. 

-Tristan.