Reminiscin.

story time (that lowkey turned into a rant)

so deres dis girl I met last year in math class who was a super senior and we were close friends fo awhile. we talked daily n sat wit each other 24/7 in lunch or in classrooms. she was really weird, almost alarmingly weird, but I liked her. 

whenever anybody would tease me because I hung out wit her, she'd always say "I have a boyfriend" and she did. we were just friends at the time, so I didn't mind. slowly but surely, she started to say things that made me feel like I was something to her. 

fo example, one time in class I was drawing n I asked fo her help in finishin it. jus colorin it in, yk. we both started colorin in silence and eventually I was like "you know, dis is kinda a banger date idea, where you just draw together and work on somethin together." n without hesitation she said "well I guess you're my boyfriend for the day" and I didn't respond. the anxiety spike just froze me and I couldn't move. 

after about 2 months, I felt she was gettin distant wit me. she talked less and would be talkin to herself but at me, which made no sense to me. i slowly started talkin less because I felt I was sayin somethin to make her uncomfortable. we sat in silence for a solid 5 minutes, and out of the blue she just says "I kinda get happy when I see you come to sit with me. i like having someone who listens to me and is there to talk with me." and I froze again but was able to say "i appreciate it and of course. that's what friends are for." we still didn't talk much, even after she said that. i don't know if she did that on purpose to make me more attached or what, but she put 0 effort into havin conversations wit me instead of jus talkin AT me.

next term, we didn't have any classes together and we didn't have the same lunch, so we talked less. we relied almost entirely on texts or just randomly seeing each other in the halls to talk with each other. she didn't respond much, and it made me feel insecure. we eventually didn't talk at all, and barely saw each other in the halls. 

I'm sitting alone in the lunch room and randomly she taps my shoulder and says hi. she was faded, like, high off her ass in da middle of da school. she sat next to me and vaguely told me random shit dat happened to her. i listened and eventually she just up and left. 

i slowly watched her get dependent on weed and we stopped talking entirely. she became so dependent she'd come to da school faded wit beet red eyes. it was unfortunate, but nothin I haven't seen before.

school year ends and a month or so passes, and she ended up failing highschool. I asked her if she graduated and she said no she'd just have to go back to get her GED. she didn't seem too upset, but then again, she had ADHD so I couldn't tell what she was feeling half of the time.

this was the first time we talked in awhile, and I thought we were having a nice conversation, albeit she didn't seem to want to continue it. she gave very short or vague answers to every question I asked, and I didn't want to bother her any more. i told her dat since she left da school, we'd see less of each other so reach out from time to time and let me know how you're doing, and she just gave my message a thumbs up. i texted her again within the next couple of weeks, and she never opened it. 

that was over 3 months ago. i got a gf in July and decided I needed to leave dis girl alone because she 1 led me on and 2 didn't like me back. I moved on (or so I thought). i got broken up wit after a mere 2 weeks of bein in a relationship, and it was my fault. very long story. 

this mornin I went to Walmart because I had sum errands to run. dere were so many people it wasn't even funny. its undastandable doe because Christmas is comin up. I een saw my favorite teacher and we said hi to each other and talked for a bit. im walkin wit my folks and we're headin to da cashier and my sister says "is that....?" and I turn to face da direction she was lookin. 

it was her. da same girl who hasn't talked to me in months and I thought I was over. we walked past each other and she didn't even so much as glance at me. it's like we were total strangers. i undastand it's been awhile, but not een a glance was so absurd to me. i feel so horrible. 

I've been wallowin in my own insecurities all day and am currently layin in my bed, unconsciously clenchin my jaw and mopin. i feel so sick. now what are we? after all da hours we spent together, we're just strangers wit memories. it seems I'm da only one who's still affected by errythin. 

i miss my ex and I miss dis girl I just saw dis mornin who was my best friend once upon a time.