Boy Problemz ;-;

`     So y;all...I have this guy friend, well call him Chad. This is a fake name but his name might as

 well be Chad because his real one is just as cartoonishly masculine and generic. I've known him

 since i was in first grade and he was in kindergarten, though we were born in the same year he's

 just a few months younger than I am.

         Chad is the kind of guy you see in old Abercrombie and

 Hollister ads, he was a star Athlete when we were in high-school, football and wrestling. He was

 also a unit, 6'3 and built like a tank. Though Despite all this he had horrible luck with girls. I

 essentially spent my entire adolescence being his mentor on not just relationships but life in

 general. For whatever reason whenever he experienced a plight he would come to me. The thing is

 that in school, after 7th grade when  was outed I ended up taking on the role of "the gay kid." I

 lost most of my foundational male friends from childhood due to this, they all jumped ship fairly

 immediately.....but not Chad. 

          In fact Chad always fiercely defended me against any homophobia

 hurled my way. He told me he admired my strength in the face of adversity, that's why he always

 came to me. Its funny because Chad and I couldn't possibly be more different. He's a total geek

 whose obsessed with like Marvel and DC and Starwars, he likes to yap about the characters, I like

 to tell him which guys I think are hot. Don't really care too much for  the nerd stuff but I can

 appreciate the artistry and passion behind it. I also like to see the way his eyes light up when he

 talks about it. Unfortunately, his dorky nature and shy character was kind of off-putting to teenage

 girls. I was the shoulder he cried on whenever a girl rejected him. 

      In our later years of school I

admittedly grew to resent this role and I started to lament having to deal with his drama. However,

 recently now that were both out of school, we're closer than ever. When I started my transition he

 was one of the first people I told, and he not only accepted but embraced who I am, he told me

 that I am the same soul that he loves. Chad says he loves me a lot, I know he means it, I can feel

 it when he hugs me. I love Chad too, I always have and until recently Id never thought of it

 as being anymore than platonic. Lately however Its been difficult not to completely fall for him just

 because of the tenderness he shows. Last year after I was in a car accident I was in and out of the

 ER and my parents told me to figure it out because I was an adult now and I shouldn't need them.

       Chad carried me out of the ER and drove me home when I couldn't walk, when no one else

 would help me. Ever since he went to college he keeps telling me how much he misses me and how much I meant to him.

     Recently he

 texted me "God Jay I just want to hug you so bad right now." It broke me, I was always there for

 him and now i couldn't be and that shattered my heart into a million pieces. The thing is, I don't

 think he has any idea what he's doing. Chad has always been very sappy and gushy, he's very

 open with his feelings so talk like this isn't unusual.

       And that's just the problem, he wont stop

 being so god damn perfect. He wont stop being so god damn gentle, and caring, such a good

 listener. All the while i have to give him advice on how to give that magic he has to whatever girl it is at the

 moment. I don't know if ill ever tell him how I really feel because I really don't want to lose what

 we have, because what we have is very special....this was kind of sappy and lame but I needed to

 get this off my chest somewhere and i cant tell any close friends about it because they'd just be like "LMFAO CHAD????" and id have to be like sigh...Chad