The Funky Fries Fiasco

Tony Soprano and his crew are having dinner at Artie’s restaurant, Vesuvio, to celebrate a successful deal. Artie, who is always looking for ways to impress his customers and friends, decides to surprise them with a new dish: Ore Ida Funky Fries, which he bought from a clearance sale at a local supermarket. He thinks they are fun and trendy, and he hopes Tony will appreciate his creativity.

He brings out a large platter of the colorful fries, along with bottles of green and purple ketchup. He proudly announces: “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Funky Fries! The latest craze in the culinary world! They are crispy, delicious, and funky! And they go great with these exotic ketchups! Try them, you’ll love them!”

Tony and his crew are stunned and confused by the sight of the bizarre fries. They exchange glances, wondering if this is some kind of joke or insult. Tony tries to be polite and thanks Artie for his gesture, but he is clearly not amused. He picks up a blue fry and dips it in the green ketchup, then takes a bite. He immediately spits it out, disgusted by the taste. He grabs a napkin and wipes his mouth, then glares at Artie.

“Artie, what the hell is this? What are you trying to do, poison us? These fries are awful! They taste like cardboard and chemicals! And what’s with the ketchup? It looks like paint! Are you kidding me?”

Artie is shocked and hurt by Tony’s reaction. He tries to defend his choice, saying that the fries are a novelty item and that they are supposed to be fun and different. He says that he wanted to do something special for Tony and his friends, and that he thought they would enjoy them. He says that he likes them, and that they are not that bad.

He picks up a red fry and dips it in the purple ketchup, then puts it in his mouth. He smiles and nods, then starts to sing: “Won’t you take me to Funkytown? Won’t you take me to Funkytown?”

Tony and his crew are speechless. They watch as Artie dances around the table, singing and eating the fries. They are appalled and embarrassed by his behavior. They wonder if he is drunk or high, or if he has lost his mind. They look around and see that the other customers are staring at them, some laughing, some shaking their heads. They feel humiliated and angry.

Tony stands up and throws his napkin on the table. He tells Artie to stop singing and dancing, and to take the fries away. He tells him that he has ruined their dinner and their night, and that he has no taste or sense. He tells him that he is a terrible cook and a worse friend, and that he never wants to see him or his fries again. He tells him that he is done with him and his restaurant, and that he is never coming back.

He grabs his coat and walks out, followed by his crew. Artie is left alone, holding the platter of fries. He is devastated and confused. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong, or why Tony is so angry. He looks at the fries and wonders if they are really that bad. He takes another bite and shrugs. He thinks they are fine. He keeps singing and dancing, oblivious to the fact that he has just lost his best customer and friend.